These Are the Breaks, Where is Mine At?

Last week, those demons in the financial aid office hit me with the reality that I may not be able to return to school for the Fall, even after scoring a dream job at school which would take care of room and board, plus food. I felt all of the energy, enthusiasm, and charisma I had fall flat on the ground as I was brought to tears this morning by the reality that I won't be able to go back to school due to finance troubles. I didn't think I would ever see myself literally crying and falling to pieces over something like school. I had prepared myself mentally for what came this morning at the beginning of the summer, but it stings even worse once that reality you envisioned comes to life; and I thought that I was just going around the corner for coffee and a muffin. But back to the tears, I think I cried because this was the first time in a long time that I have been told that I cannot do something, it was also the first time something of this magnitude has been taken away from me in the blink of an eye. This morning I realized how for granted some may take education. I've seen the results of many people, (most of which are "friends" according to Facebook), they either fuck up on their journey back to school, get pregnant, get someone pregnant, and in some cases a lot have died. The tears I shed this morning did not last long after having already mentally preparing myself for the worst. No I have to find a way to make it back to Towson for Spring semester and put in more work than I have ever imagined myself doing at this point in my life. But maybe this is an awakening for me, maybe this will help me take life a bit more seriously so I can really get on the path to what I've been seeking. I'll tell you what. I don't care if I grow to become a poor man or a rich man, when I do have kids way down the line, they will have college savings accounts so they will never have to worry about taking out student loans with ridiculous interest rates or have to deal with the demons in the financial aid office who get pleasure out of making students lives a living fucking hell. The tears have been shed and life goes on, where from here? Only forward I hope, another setback would kill me and I'm not down for dying just yet. Amidst all of this morning time bullshit, still I rise, the tears have left a glossy, I-see-a-bright-future kinda polish in my eyes.

Getting Over & Getting Back

The hardest part of any breakup is not the worrying thought of whop they are with, what they are doing, or what’s on their mind in regard to you; the hardest part of breaking up is getting back together. But what happens when that same thing you’ve yearned for is what you no longer desire because of how much change and growth has occurred since the split? You may miss little things about a person; you may even miss some major things about them that you think no one else on this earth has, but you can’t turn back because you’ve made it too far; far away from what you once felt for them, and far from the person you once were. Backtracking and falling back into those same old habits, with the same old person, going through the same old drama, with a new installation of hope is what you have worked so hard for; you deserve the world on a silver platter, you deserve your sanity, you deserve honesty, you deserve a relationship that you can enjoy and be willing to fight for, you deserve peace of mind because you owe it to yourself. We’ve all been hurt before, we’ve all had a person make us feel lesser than what we know we’re worth, we’ve all been broken…but here we stand, ready. Ready to get out and face whatever happiness lies in your way, whatever smile may brighten up your day, whatever pain you may endure, whatever success is attained just make sure all of this is experienced on a new leaf. There are 7 billion people on this planet (God knows how many in the universe) and there is no reason you should fall victim to systematic heartache and pain by that ONE person who will never do you any justice when there is one in the world waiting to give you just that, the world. The hardest part of breaking up is getting back together…with who you once were. Don’t let them slip away.

Rest in Peace MJ. What A Reminder

Three years ago I was working in an AMC movie theater when I got the news that our King of Pop, Michael Jackson had passed. It was one of the most odd and bittersweet days of my life. I remember thinking that it was a joke, given how Twitter had, then, loved to kill celebrities every other week, I found it almost impossible to believe that such an iconic figure in American pop-culture be dead, especially at such a young age. That day also left me with the small yet complex idea as to where music industry will wind up, or who could even begin to fill such a man’s shoes? The answer to the second question was evident; NOBODY could ever replace MJ's shoes, especially not the ones he had done so many perfect spins and moonwalks in. But, the answer to the first question is evident as well; music had gotten significantly worse over the past years since Michael Jackson has passed. I'm not referring to the deaths of other music legends such as Whitney Houston, Etta James, Donna Summer, Heavy D, Chuck Brown or Amy Winehouse, but the overall standard of what quality music is had been long deceased and killed over a few hundreds of times. I will not get into any specifics about who is responsible for the lack of quality in this noise that they call music today, but I will start with saying that part of the reason such trash is being so heavily supported and endorsed is because of fans lack of knowledge on what quality music is. I can thoroughly understand that we are all different people with very different tastes in very different types of music. I can clearly hear for myself and understand that some of this music is catchy, but it all lacks one KEY thing, and that is substance. What in the living hell are people talking about these days in their songs?! The songs have lovey-dovey titles, but are in no way, shape, or form a love song; all you hear is a guy trying to buy a woman a drink, some red-bottom heels, or drugs to convince her that she should be with this creep. In my world and according to the law, that's called prostitution...and when you have to get someone drunk to compromise them into having sex, well...that's called rape technically. Of course I don't want anybody to go to jail over saying something in a song that they would never do in real life, or haven't done in real life, (which is the case for most of these suckas society chooses to idolize.)but most of these terrible, terrible artists should be put on trial for lack of substance. It's quite funny how in a society where people strive to be different, shit that sounds just like the last record of another artist always manages to churn out. If you turn on your local radio station today, you will hear no more than 10 songs at a time that will be on repeat throughout the day that all have this upbeat, Americano-dubstep, techno, pop sound. That's all good and fine to hear when you're out at a party or club, but to have artists who were once legendary, like Usher, in my opinion on this type of music CONFORMING instead of creating is an absolute shame and insult to the very rare and few innovators that we have remaining in the industry today, and even they don't get recognition because they have wisely and truthfully opted out of taking the easy way out. I wonder what Michael Jackson would think of today's noise...I mean music. He, Whitney, Amy, Etta, Heavy, and Chuck Brown are probably up above wondering where it all went wrong instead of reminiscing... the music is THAT BAD! On this day, we take the time to acknowledge the tragic loss of arguably the greatest artist of all -time, but we should also take time to take a look around and wonder how we ever let music underneath the standard of MJ become "good enough" or acceptable. I love oldies, I love new shit too, but I really wish that music could get back to the point where it was about creating and not conforming to what is popular or hot at the time. Catchy is momentary enjoyment, but quality lasts a lifetime when it comes to music. I wish some of our legends were still here, but today we remember an extraordinary artist; Rest in Peace Michael Jackson.

Back to Myself

In the past year, not too much has been happening with this blog, and I was not too pleased with my writer’s block. I couldn’t churn out any stories or talk about anything happening in society, the media, in my life because during those long months of writer’s block I essentially did not care. I was in a very dark place in my life because of a few things, and then I realized that writing, aside from other things is therapy for me. I may not create the same vibe that I was able to create once before, but you gotta start somewhere, and mine is right here, back to the blog and more stories to tell! We never which direction we will go in life. Choosing a path has never been more difficult to choose than while in college nearing graduation. In the years you spend in college, a lot of things happen, not only to you, but to your social circle as well. As times change, people change and it can become very confusing and frustrating when you reach that critical point in your life where you have to cutback on how often you socialize and party, or who you social and party with in general. About two months or so ago, I had a nervous breakdown right in the middle of the floor in my dorm. My roommate wasn’t there to see me at my worst; I was literally a mess from head to toe. Ironically, this happened after one of the most fun weekends of my life thus far, the weekend of stoner’s 4/20. I woke up that morning very frustrated and rushed. I was up on was up on time, but still I felt as if I had only gotten a few minutes of sleep to make it through what was definitely going to be a very busy Monday. It was gray outside, all I remember hearing was tiny drops of rain hitting the plants that were outside of my window. Waking up in this fashion was already a buzz kill for the day, but it got a million times worse when I looked at my phone and saw that I had twenty-something unread and new texts, and about 50 emails sitting in my inbox waiting to affect my day. I went through each email and text message, and saw that they ALL were demanding me of something…but wouldn’t you like to know…not one of them read anything along the lines of “Good Morning Foster” or a simple “Hey, Foster how are you?” They all began with a demand that had a more than unreasonable time frame to get taken care of. So me, not yet even having brushed my teeth or showered, sat in my room staring at my phone and computer screen trying to figure out how I was possibly going to meet these demands, or some at least. These demands had come from people whom I had foolishly given my contact info to whenever they may need to be updated on the goings-on of what was happening on campus after hours. I know all sorts of people: party and club promoters, DJ’s, bartenders, etc. You name them, and more times than not I know them, or I will soon get to know them. I don’t know why but I always, always, ALWAYS tend to look out for people to have a good time no matter where they are. But to have such a selfless wish fulfilled, one may bring great injury to self. This I found out in no time. A majority of the text messages and emails that were eagerly sitting in my inboxes were from people around campus or that I had drunkenly met at a recent event during the 4/20 weekend, and all they really cared about was when and where the next big event or social gathering was going to be. In the midst of trying to figure out how I can get these people what they need to know, I saw that I only had 10 minutes before my next class, and checking my planner…I found out that I had a homework assignment due on top of all this morning madness. I began to sweat, shake, and then I felt my head begin to feel light. The next thing I know, I’m in the middle of my dorm room floor, shaking, sweating, and crying. For a minute, I blacked out, and when I came to, I decided that it was time for me to leave Towson before I literally drove myself crazy. I got my homework for the week done for all of my classes, and sent each professor an email letting them know about my current condition. I packed my bags, packed my car, and left campus without saying a word to anybody, not even my roommate or my family back home. As soon as I got home, my mother looked at me and knew immediately what was wrong and the first words out of her mouth were, “you need a break.” I had bags under my eyes, I might have been a little pale, but that’s hard to determine with skin so dark, but I digress. I went up to my room, and just laid down for a bit. The first thing I did, was turn off all sorts of communication. I didn’t check my phone unless absolutely necessary, I didn’t bother to tweet for a few days, and Facebook became foreign. I came to the conclusion, after a few days, that my biggest problem (aside from my terrible anxiety) was that I feel the need to be constantly tuned in or to cater to peoples needs, even if they aren’t a priority. I hate sleep because I feel as if I’m missing out on the world, which is something I’m still working on. And I hate having to stop or take a break…from anything. It’s a damn shame that it took a breakdown to appreciate what rest and relaxation is all about. For the entire week I was home, I had not a worry in the world, and Towson was a place I had momentarily forgot about. I missed two huge events that week too due to my breakdown. The first event was one I had long planned for and set myself up to go see, which was Tigerfest. (Which I have still yet to experience in my two years at Towson) Tigerfest is our annual spring celebration that features a lot of drinking and partying and usually a very dope concert. This year’s headliner was one of my favorite artists, Kid Cudi, who I had seen in the summer already, but I was too excited he was coming to our school! I also missed my friend’s show for a radio music festival, but luckily and thoughtful enough he and my friends showed me much love and support as they shouted me out before their set; at least I could stream the show online which was really cool. But towards the end of all this madness and bittersweet fulfillment I came to figure out that maybe those who only need me for their usage aren’t really needed by me, so I went through my phone and deleted a fuck ton of people from, old and new people. If you weren’t in any way, shape, or form contributing to my well-being but taking everything you could from it and from myself then I don’t need you around, even in the form of a thought. Not even on a rude note saying “fuck those people” or anything close to that, but I refuse for my sanity and mental well-being to be compromised for someone get what they want from me or my resources.