Monday, August 30, 2010
..."I'm coming straight outta Compton! Crazy Motherfucker named FOSTER!" Oops. Sorry, it is #MusicMonday on Twitter and my iPod is in heavy rotation right now, and sometimes I like to infuse my name into my favorite songs every now and then just to be loopy. It feels like I have not posted a blog in the longest fucking time! Well I do have an excuse...I mean school did just start, and I have been trying to get back into the swing of things.I just started at my NEW SCHOOL! Yours truly is now a Towson Tiger and could not be more satisfied! The campus is amazing and the diversity is amazing. Not to mention, the campus is eco-friendly! I love my school dammit! On my first day while I was eating lunch with a friend in the cafeteria, I was looking around the room for familiar faces and looking at the new faces. Looking at the new faces, I noticed a couple having an argument...ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!! Who the fuck does that?! Not me?! Not now! Not never! And plus, I never been too much of the arguing type...I'm too cool and laid back to raise my voice and public and look like a fool! But luckily something positive came out of that argument I witnessed...that couple is my inspiration for this post. Relationships...Relation...Ships...Relation...Ships. Just sounds dumb to me, do not get me wrong I love the idea of people in love and lasting FOREVER (yeah right), but nowadays that's bullshit! Especially when dealing with my generation and our outrageous standards as to what the ideal partner is. My generations idea of the ideal partner is about how good someone is in bed, how much money they have, where they rank in the social circles, how they dress, you know...shit like that. People have lost patience in this quest for the IDEAL PARTNER. People are now jumping into what seems to be good relationships, and then they end up committing the greatest form of betrayal and pain known to the heart. This despicable act ladies and gentlemen is called CHEATING. Personally, I classify cheating along with other disgusting things such as murder, spitting on someone, and republicans. Why do people cheat? Cheaters are just evil fucking people who should be damned to hell. Seriously. Do not give me the whole "they cheated because they got bored and unsatisfied..." or "the person probably forced them to that point." bullshit. NOBODY DESERVES TO BE CHEATED ON! I think that as a human being you should be able to open up your mouth and let somebody know that they are no longer making you happy! The ones that do the cheating have no clue how much damage they are really doing to a person in the long run! It fucks your heart up! As well as your mind! You have never seen or heart fall to pieces or a mind get drove to it's boiling point that severely because of another person. People lose trust in others, people become distant, people learn how to acquire hate in place of happiness, people can even go crazy and type blogs about how fucked up cheating is! What makes cheating even worse is that feeling of denial when you know for certain you are being messed around on, but you keep filling your mind with the fraudulent thoughts of how they aren't cheating. You fool yourself and come out looking like a fool. And when you do find out, what do you do? You want to say "fuck this, I'm done!" But truth be told, most people don't say that until a few minutes, hours, months, YEARS later. The question most people ask when they found out they get cheated on is "Why?". I have been a victim of asking that dumb ass rhetorical question before, I have never felt dumber in my entire life. It's the lack of respect that really did me in though, here you are this beautiful piece of human being walking around with all my trust in your little purse...and in an instant you snap it and become the ugliest being on Earth. This was almost over three years ago though and I'm far from bitter at the person anymore...I'm just being passionate looking back at what happened. I call it my "writing-fuel". But after being in so many potentially good relationships turned to pieces I have concluded that I am done believing in love until someone comes along and changes that entire perspective. I do not need that shit right now, and as I take a look around at these other couples I cannot help but laugh at the idea of them hoping and wishing to last FOREVER, because in a few months they'll be at each others throats with frustration. I even feel this way in regards to my close friends relationships. It's all a joke! I think it's just fashionable for people to be in relationships these days simply because it makes the person look stable. Can you believe that shit?! You need to be attached to someone to APPEAR stable! Or at least that is what I'm getting out of all of this. Fuckers are just wearing people like their a pea coat in the winter time, just to look good. Like I said, I am fucked up in the romance department, but it is only from what I witness and what I have been through...some of it I brought upon myself I guess...but damn. I remember when I was in camp a few years ago and one of the counselors was talking and then said "look to your left, look to your right. You probably won't even be able to tell who the people you just looked at are in the next five years!' Coincidentally, the person on my left was my girlfriend at the time. I don't really know where I'm going with this one to be honest, I'm just venting. It's my ex's bday tomorrow...I want to call her, but I doubt she answers. I'll probably just send her a text and a voicemail, I ain't forgot about the date and all that she still means alot to me. The end of this month has been a little piece of hell actually just because she's been on my mind so much, and flooding my subconscious. Literally flooding every dream of mine. It's sick! But I enjoy sleep just because I know that is the only place I'll see her. I sound like a fucking fool right now, but that's what that romance monster will do to you. Of course I only let a few people know all the details of why I been thinking about her so much. I actually think I'm so confused in this romance thing because I honestly and truly thought she was IT. But it turns out it was nothing more us in the place of my friends who I just ridiculed for being in relationships that will soon end. Until I get myself together and prepared to take another stab at this love thing again I'm working on myself and focusing on what a 20 year old needs to be focusing on.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
If I would have know that today was going to be such a huge day in my life I would have definitely packed something a bit more classy than a sandwich bag full of crushed chips, a strawberry jelly sandwich, a few cookies, and a Mountain Dew....oh yea I packed her an Airhead because she liked them. July 2, 2002 was our day! It was our year anniversary. Her name was Alicia and we met at camp. It was so innocent and insane at the same time. An eighth grader in a RELATIONSHIP...but oh well she was gorgeous, played sports, and loved movies. By far the coolest girl I had ever known at the time and she liked me. Excuse me, LOVED me. Sounds really funny saying that at my age now because I am still clueless as to what love is, imagine what I must have felt back then. I do not know exactly what was running through my head while we were together, but all I know is that it always felt right, even if our parents chaperoned our dates...excuse me outing's...because my mom and hers did not believe in 12 and 13 year olds DATING. That morning, I had left the house for camp with my headphones rocking to a mix tape I had made at Gary's house the night before. That motherfucker Gary use to break our necks for making mix tapes on his computer! 12 dollars dude?! What the hell?! I swear he use to charge us per track! But oh well, I can't knock the dudes hustle...he made big money...until everybody else got a computer. I got to camp really early that morning and my lunchbox was extra heavy, because I had made my own damn lunch the night before! I was feeling a bit grown. Oh yea! Big kid mode! Camp that morning was pretty routine, then...she walked in. Looking as amazing as anything else that could ever be kissed by the sun in the Summer. She walked up to me and simply said "hey, you know what today is?" and I was just standing there like, "hell yea! It's OUR day!" So that whole day I made sure I was near her, even if it met sneaking out of my group to go be in hers or near her during arts and crafts. Yeah I know I already made a house out of Popsicle sticks and glue, but for her I'd do it a million times just to sit there and smile. A few of the counselors got on me all the time leaving my group to be near her; I actually recall getting in a bit of trouble for it, so as a punishment I had to go sit against the blue padded walls inside the gym until lunchtime. The cool thing about lunchtime at camp is that you can eat anywhere you want with whoever you want. So during lunch that day, her & I sat with our usual crew and talked our usual shit. Lunch was amazing on today especially for some reason, and she loved her Airhead! After lunch, it was time for that one game I had the best athleticism for...dodge ball! I was a fuckin' beast at dodge ball! My favorite part of the game was evading the hits...throwing...ehh not so much. Somehow this game however, I was one of the first people to get eliminated. WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW'D THIS HAPPEN?! So I had to take my ass to those blue padded walls...AGAIN! But right after I got eliminated guess who came to those blue padded walls to keep me company? If you guessed Alicia you deserve a Klondike Bar! She came over sat next to me, and the poor girl had a red mark on her face...I guess that was an indicator that she got whopped in the face by a dodge ball...looks like someone forgot the "dodge" principle of the game. We held hands and snuck a kiss while nobody was looking, I could not have been any happier at that moment. All of a sudden, a counselor comes up to me and tells me to step into the lobby, for what? I didn't know. At first, I thought Alicia and I had gotten into trouble again for kissing...which had become quite the norm for us the previous summer. At the camp we were at the previous year, we had got in a shitload of trouble for trying french kissing in a cabin. It was so awkward, all of our friends and other campers were just sitting there watching us kiss and daring us to go longer. So I walk into the lobby, and standing in front of the help desk is my Aunt Linda, my Godfather Kenny, and my little brother Andrew who had tears running all down his face. I was very confused seeing my little brother crying and seeing this odd combination of people standing in front of me on this random Tuesday afternoon. Why the hell were they here? and why was Andrew crying so much? I walked up and asked what was going on, and my godfather muttered something, but the only thing I could make out was "your dad passed." At that moment, I felt my stomach drop and I got really dizzy. I think this is what most people refer to as shock. I got in my godfathers car, and sat next to my brother and tried to get him calm, but I could only imagine what the house was going to be like compared to my little brothers emotions. I get out of the car and look at my house...the vibe that I got looking at the house itself was one that I could never describe. It was as if something was just hanging over our house painting on a shade of depression onto the brand new side-paneling. I walk into the house and there sat my aunt, my grandmother, a few people from the neighborhood, my grandfather, and then I saw my mom. She looked so heart broken. I couldn't even hug her properly...I had never seen my mom so hurt. I asked her what happened, she told me that he had passed out getting out of the shower and died at the hospital from heart failure. My father died at Holy Cross Hospital, the same hospital I was born at. I went upstairs to my room with my mom, and in my room was my great grandma who was closer to my dad than anybody and she was consoling my brother. She sat in that chair rocking back and forth telling me about this dream she had nights before about my dad passing, it was so surreal to hear this coming from her. My grandma let out a cry that will forever stay in my memories, talk about pain...that was agony and frustration wrapped in love. My mom and brother laid on my bottom bunk bed and cried together. All I could do was think of how quickly I could leave that damn house. I had not cried a tear since I got the news a few earlier. I wanted to cry but no tears would come out. I never really knew how to react to death at the moment it is announced. Nioot being able to do this makes me feel almost inhumane. The night before I remember going into my parents room and seeing my dad just lay there looking as if he were hurt, looked like he had a pain in his chest or something. I asked him if he needed anything, but all he did was kept trying to convince me that he was okay, even though I didn't believe him. This day I was going through was all the proof I needed to verify that he was in fact NOT alright the night before. The thing that tripped me out was, that morning I had left to tell my parents good-bye before I left for camp, he looked just fine. I can't help but feel as if it were some kind of precaution I could have taken to have kept him alive. I left my room and went outside by myself to just sit and think. It was almost one hundred degrees outside, but at this point I really didn't care about too much. I sat outside in that heat and just thought, then my Aunt Linda came out back and tried to talk me. I really had not said much of anything after I got the news, almost mute actually. My aunt has always been an excellent mediator, I mean she's been a school counselor and mediator for damn near twenty years so go figure. I told her how numb I felt at the moment and she asked what did I want to do...I told her I simply wanted to leave. I left the house and walked back to camp. That was the longest walk of my life. I began to think about what was the last thing I said to my father before he died? Thank God my last words to him were "I Love you, I'll see you later." I also began to think about how different our household was going to become and what my mom was going to do with the whole situation. I got to camp and the first person I was was Alicia, she immediately knew something was wrong, and that is when I told her what happened. She just hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay...that was very relieving to hear, but very unbelievable at the moment. I proceeded with the rest of my day which was filled with a very eerie thought filled with disbelief that my father was really dead. I felt like I was in a really bad dream, but the reality was...I was nowhere near dreaming. A few of the counselors that knew what happened spoke to me privately and told me that if I every needed to talk or vent that they were available. I really appreciated the love they showed even though I was a bit of a handful at times. My family from Portsmouth, Virginia showed up a few days later and began to plan the funeral. It sucked that it took the death of our dad, their brother, her son, her grandson, their uncle, their cousin, and her husband to get the family together. My cousins being their with us really took my mind off my dad a bit. I love my cousins even if I am the baby of them all. I took em to my hangout spots in Silver Spring and showed them where we played basketball. My homeys were a fantastic support system when my dad passed too. Most of my friends from Good Hope either didn't have their fathers directly in their lives, they passed, or they never knew their fathers. They were probably the best support system because they were not constantly reminding me that he was gone by asking me "are you okay?" They just kept treating me like they had always treated me, like Foster from 1160 with the bush. The funeral was probably the most depressing day of my life. I did not go to the viewing of the body, I do not find that helpful at all in the grieving process. Why would you want your last visual memory of someone to be of them laying in a casket...DEAD? Definitely not how I wanted to remember my father. I showed up to the Church up the street during the ceremony. I walked in while my best friend Mike's mom was singing at the podium. I had no clue she had such an amazing voice, I wish that I could have heard her sing somewhere else besides my dad's funeral though. The funeral brought out the entire neighborhood! Pee Wee the Ice Cream man was even there! God Bless Pee Wee though, the day my dad died he brought our family a whole bunch of stuff off his truck for my brother and sister and myself. I was just in awe at how many people came out to support our family and honor the life of my dad. I was surrounded by love, of course the depression was in the room. I hated churches though, and I hated the fact that I had to sit front row at the funeral. I know my father would have been laughing hard as hell if he would have saw me sitting front row. When the ceremony was over everyone stood in the parking lot and just spoke to each other, even people who did not know each other. Every one had a story about my father. The most amusing story I had heard was from my Uncle Bobby who told me about the time my dad stole the ambulance from the firehouse he was working at and drove it all the way to Portsmouth. I am my father's child because I can definitely see myself doing something that outrageous. When the funeral was over, everyone went home. I was scared for my mom, because after today I knew all the attention she had been getting would soon decrease and she would be left on her own to raise three kids, luckily she had an amazing family to help out when needed. Orelious D. Wright, was an amazing father to me, and taught me more in my twelve short years than I will learn in a lifetime. I also got more ass whippings in twelve years that aided those lessons I learned. He was a great man, and there has not been a day that has gone by where I have not thought of him. I miss and love my father very much, but I know that he is steadily watching over me and protecting me.