Missing.

I don't know what has me in this mood I have been in the past couple of days. Everything that could be going the way I wanted them to go is going perfectly, but still that isn't filling some void. I feel as if I have everything I could possibly need and kinda want at this moment right now, but something is missing. I guess I am missing romance or something along those lines. I'm so sick of seeing other people happy in their little zones with someone they appear to actually care about. I sit back and act like love at this age is silly, but honestly it is one of the few things to be happy about when you're young. Everybody wants a taste of young love I suppose, the shitty thing about losing it is trying to find something to replace it. My romance has come in the form of dark writing, becoming introverted, drinking, taking pills, and smoking just to put myself in a place where no one can hurt or reach me even if they need me the most. My best friend just came out and told me she hates who I become because of what's happened to me recently, as much as I honor and care about her opinion I really could care less about the last few judgments. I feel that opinions are nothing more than understated judgments actually. Of course people are going to offer their opinion to tell you what they like or didn't like about something that you have recently done. Fuck em. The more and more I look around campus I start to feel like coming here was a mistake and that I am a misfit...hell maybe school just isn't my thing...I been in college too long and still feel like I'm not going to finish, so on most days I'm like fuck school, only reason I go is to make my family proud, I'm pretty sure that I could find some way outside of school to become what I want to be once I get the fuck out of here. I'm just venting, I'm not gonna promote anyone to read this blog because I really don't feel like getting responses back about what I should do to make myself happy or try and fill that void, half of em are probably just going to talk out of their ass anyway and give some bullshit ass response.

No It's Not Me, It's You. (Trust Me.)

We all have those situations we find ourselves in where we swear up and down that it is OUR faults or that it must be something that we are not doing correct. It happens all the time in friendship, work, school, sports, when you look at your paycheck and wonder where the rest of it went, but it is most hilarious when you think that you are the reason for a bad sex experience. Now our generation for some reason prides itself on how good we are at sex, how much sex we have, and how long the sex lasts (even though nobody ever owns up to consequences that come with sex.) or how good the sex is ( we all live in a world where we have sex as good as our favorite love songs). Nobody ever wants to be the one who is awful at it, who can't sustain it for a long time, or be the one who does not know how to handle themselves once they get a taste of it. For girls the most embarrassing thing that could happen for them (I think.) is that that they don't get moist or if their sacred garden smells like a sewer! For guys I would say the most embarrassing thing that can occur is for them to ejaculating to soon, having a small wiener, or the God-awful stigma of not being able to get it up! Most guys will tell you "pssh! never had that problem!" I can personally tell you, I HAVE and it was hilarious...a few weeks later because I found out that I wasn't turning old at the age of 17 needing Viagra, hell I was actually quite normal. Summer of 2007 is where this hilarious sexcapade takes place. Now please do take notice that I will NOT use anyone's name in this story for the sake of their sexual career. I will never forget the setting that hot ass, cramped, messy room. There I laid, NAKED as she climbed on top of me, now I had had a few partners prior to her, but I knew for damn sure that she had the hairiest pubic garden BY FAR! WTF! SHAVE! It is not that hard! If my hedges are trimmed then you can be a decent neighbor and mow your fucking lawn! She got on top of me, grabbed a hold of my pride, and tried to slide it into her (you wanna talk about friction, I swear a brush fire could have been started), I immediately lost all kinds of hope for what was about to happen, and like an epiphany for a great idea that is so perfect and complete...I went soft! I pretended to wanted to go on and at least please her, she was my girlfriend n shit, but who was I fooling I was already laying there with no interest in banging her. I had already started watching the Golden Girls out the corner of my eye because it was on the TV across the room. We did some kissing, no sex, and went on about our business. The next day we sat and talked about what had happened the day before and she basically blamed the whole thing on me. I blamed myself too because I had the belief that once a girl is naked and willing in front of you that your tire is not suppose to go flat before you hit the road, I was so wrong. About two weeks later or so we tried again...and the same thing happened! I began to feel worthless in a way, there was nothing worse than feeling like I was not able to please somebody that I really liked and cared about. I was confused for days because I could be waking up and easily have "morning wood" or see something a bit intriguing on TV and easily get one that way as well. One day while I was at work at Au Bon Pain, I decided to walk to this Chinese drug store in Chinatown and buy some ginseng pills to stimulate my junk! The box was hilarious! It was a hentai (cartoon porn) drawing of two Street Fighter characters fucking hardcore, and inside were the pills. They were about 500mg in each cap, I don't remember exactly. I bought the pills, called up my girlfriend, told her what I had just bought (she laughed) and then noticed a bulge in my pants. Now what would cause this bulge? Could it have been the tons of girls that I was surrounded by at the moment who were just downtown shopping wearing the shortest of short skirts and shorts? Or could it have been the Asian clerk who rung me up who had that awesome accent with those lovely boobies? I don't know what it was that hit me at the moment, but I then realized that it was not ME who had the problem, my not being able to get a boner was not my fault at all! I figured...how can I get a boner around someone who I am not attracted to? It was her that was the cause for not being able to get an erection! I just simply was not into her sexually. No offense, but it guess that was my body's way of telling me that she was not the one, and that something better was waiting around the corner. Now of course I did not tell her that I was not sexually attracted to her, that would have been such an insensitive asshole type move. Even though in this day and age I would have been let her know how I was feeling. I was all nice and timid about the information I gave people back in 2007, but not in this day and age. I'm far more blunt and honest. I decided to lay off trying to have sex with her for the duration of our relationship which was a total joke to me and everyone I was friends with at the time. So many lies and deception (on her side) and I tried everything in my power to keep it working, but for what? We luckily split over the next two weeks which was pretty cool because we all know how people love being single in the summertime these days.

The Storm.

Thunderstorms have always been something that soothed my raging soul after a day filled with bullshit. Nothing is more calming than the sound of the rain hitting the atmosphere and the thunder roaring in the night sky. Thunderstorms at any time of day are awesome, but the ones at night are absolute magic! The sounds from the raindrops and thunder transcend over into my dreams and nitemares making my subconscious so vivid and real that when I wake up I feel as if reality will never compare to what I just woke up from. Today was actually a pretty shitty day, somebody just up and disappeared, i realized that I haven't done shit over this spring break but work and be sick, and have just sat in the deepest places of my thoughts all day. I haven't really been in too much a mood to talk to too many people today either, or lately as a matter of fact. People just don't seem as permanent as they use to in my opinion. This maybe because of my back tracking ass thoughts, I hate that everyday has become a comparison to a day I had last year or two years ago, I don't know...that's when I was my happiest. I just don't feel like doing shit anymore but working, hanging out from time to time, or being alone, and then coming home and taking my pills and going to bed. Going to bed has actually become my favorite part of the day, that's where everything happens that I want to. It is the only time I have no responsibility or control over anything that goes on in my mind. Lately I just want to be alone and not bothered by too many people, I just don't have the mental capacity to tolerate too much shit these days. I know things will get better eventually, whatever it is going on with me exactly, but I just wish things could be the way they use to be. I was working on trying to be happy again without being dependent on a lot of things, but it feels that I am lapsing right back into that old way and I don't know how to weather it. It came from nowhere carrying a great variety of things to stir and shake up my thoughts, emotions, and even my fears...the storm.

POHH! Outro(Official Music Video)

Aite on this blog I never! ever! give up space for artists, but this dude right here is my musical brother since forever! Love his style, his content, what he represents and his overall demeanor! My man Lega-c in his official video! Here it is and enjoy! POHH!

Gossip, Gossip...Chill.

Thank God winter is almost over! I hate these clothes, the lack of color in the atmosphere, and most of all the bitter cold in the air. The only thing that seems to be floating through the air more than the cold is rumors about people; the only difference is that rumors float through the air every season of the year. Are people really that fucking bored with their lives that they have to pick a random individual to create a falsified story about a person just to make themselves feel better? They say that words don't hurt, true, but the way a person is treated after a rumor has been spread does hurt. I mean...most rumors are usually about the dumbest, most childish, most unbelievable things in the world. Do you really think I give two shits whose dick that girl sucked? I mean if the rumor is being told to me from a girl I'm definitely thinking "you up here telling me as if giving head is a crime! You bound to suck a dick or two in your life time too! So what makes that story so special?" Dudes run around calling girls "hoes" or "easy" because a girl they heard about has just up and fucked everybody, I don't get it. The dudes are either mad that she turned them down at a party, even while she was drunk (and you know you ain't dong something right when a drunk person turns you down for ANYTHING!)or they are jealous of all the guys she has given up sex to so they have to create some story about her and try to find some way to make her feel awful when she is feeling awesome. (Food for thought; spreading rumors about a girl who won't give you the time of day will definitely NOT help you in pursuing her or any other female, they know everything...or think they do.) Us males and our double standards, we can run through a couple girls and be considered THE MOTHERFUCKING MAN, but don't let a girl go and do the same thing...she will have to walk around with a goddamn 'A' stitched on her shirt right above her right titty for the rest of her college career. It seems that our generation is obsessed with making celebrities out of people in our friends circle under the darkest of lights. If you are always around people that gossip, or partake in gossiping or are always talking shit about people what makes you think that your friends do not gossip about you once you left the room too? Trust me, they talk up a storm about everything from what you were wearing, how often you annoy them, who you're talking to, and who you're fucking but will smile in you face once you come back from the bathroom five minutes later. I guess people with friends who gossip assume they are exempt from being a target as well, you're not. The people you associate yourself with are most likely people who bare traits that you have, even the negative ones. Ladies and gentlemen, though gossiping may seem fun, innocent, and even relieving while you are doing it amongst "friends", reality is that damage is actually being done to the person you're gossiping about as far as their reputation goes in the eyes of other people. Most people sit up there and say "I don't care what people think of me." This is more times than not a lie or just a barrier they have up so they won't get hurt. Sometimes people don't even gossip to people they know, they will tell anybody just for the sake of their story being heard. They will be on some Forrest Gump shit and just randomly start talking to a stranger at a bus stop, the store...hell even the damn cashier about who made out with who at the party over the weekend. We have created an airborne version of the tabloids and made our friends personal lives the front page headline for no reason at all.