Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Don't Let It Consume You (Fear.)

Fear is a poison like no other. From fear, the ideas of the most extreme are composed and exercised like demons preparing for the Olympics. Fear causes people to pursue without ration or the simplest form of a plan. Fear is a disease that is easily spread in an airborne, word-of-mouth sense. Look at what fear did for us last summer, when half of the world was running around like chickens with their heads cut off. While all of the “unholu” souls ran rampid, religious organizations, small businesses with a good enough hook, and (depending on your city) t-shirt businesses and local stands were capitalizing and cashing in on FEAR. It seems that, aside from a few treacherous, heartbreaking, and phenomenon-esque disasters throughout the world, our country (USA), has raised the bar on how we fearful we should be. Yes, how frightful we should be…of NOTHING. Just a few years ago, you would have thought our country was protected by Mars Candy Company for the way the genius administration of George W. Bush implemented a colored coded terrorist threat level system. AKA the DUMBEST FUCKING INSURANCE POLICY ANYBODY COULD HAVE ASKED FOR. I can understand that system for the weather, how slow the trains in the city are running, what STD a girl has based on what color the condom turns, even the scores on a test I find repulsive, The SAT. But noooooooo! We are America, and we must go Crayola on their asses and come up with a chart that shows just how scared we are; other countries looking in surely won’t recognize that I’m sure. It’s only a matter of time before they figure out that, holy shit, yellow means “we’re so scared we may piss ourselves, blue means we ain’t afraid of you, orange means we it may be hot outside, watch out for danger somewhere around the ozone layer. Then you have the Big Kahuna of them all, RED, and red simply means “We have pissed someone off, and shit is about to get real!” With all of that said, since the system was implemented in 2002 after the horrendous 9/11 attacks not a damn thing has happened, but the threat level has continued to remain at orange until the fizzing out of the juvenile system in 2011. Yet, many Americans are still afraid. I suppose it’s the thought that we were told we should fear the unknown based on what a color always read that determined just how safe each and every one of us was, or is, or will be, or could be.
I would like to make this perfectly clear to any and everybody reading this post right now, and make sure that you understand what is going to be said, no matter if we are made of steel, anything can happen to any one of us just as much as the next person. Our next blink could be our last and a simple blind date could turn into the occurrence of a night that kills a little over a dozen and wounds plenty. With that off my chest, let me delve into the shooting that occurred in Colorado about a week and a half ago at the Aurora Theater. I ironically started working at a movie theater the exact week after this incident had occurred, I honestly thought nothing of it. I had honestly forgot about the shooting and moved on with my life. During the week the shooting happened, all I was hearing about was about how people (Americans) were going to stop going to the movies because of something that happened in a place that already has a history of gun violence and wacko’s running around bored with money and guns, which is also light-years away from most of them, unless you lived out west in a state that borders Colorado.
Fear, funny how one act of carelessness, ignorance, and selfishness stirs an entire country upside down; even if only for a few days or weeks at a time, the effect is felt like the burn after a shot of hard liquor. Everybody is gratified and stunned at first glance, but when we start to feel the slightest bit of discomfort we wish to totally take ourselves off of the invisible path that we no longer wish to walk. When 9/11 people wanted to stop shopping to local convenience stores and using flying as a mode of travel all due to fear. When the DC Sniper was around, which is the only way I am able to empathize with those who chose to say no to the movies the rest of that weekend, people did not want their kids in school or outside, nor did people want to go out to do anything such as pump gas or even go to work. That was scary because it directly affected the people of the area, and those two maniacs decided to take a brief road trip down the Atlantic Coast and kill a few more innocent victims along the way. Those three weeks were a nightmare that none of us really knew when we were going to wake up, those guys could have been right outside of our windows while we were sleep awaiting their next moment to kill and we wouldn’t have known. Just as we never really know, with anything. A guy flips out and decides to kill a person, or group of people. Shit happens. A paranoid racist decides that a kid is in the wrong neighborhood. Shit happens. A girl goes on spring break in the Caribbean and never returns home alive. Shit happens. Syria. Shit happens. You catching a flat tire after just having a brand new set of wheels put on. Shit happens. The Bush Adminstration. Shit happens. Rosie O’Donnell being born a woman instead of a man. Shit happens. Michael, Amy, and Whitney drop dead. Shit happens. Shit can and will happen in any moment and at any place in the world, even right where you stand. The fear is what can and will drive you, if you let it, to the point of quitting living your life as it was meant to be lived. Or the fear will drive you to rise above it and live your life in a more safe, aware, and appreciative manner than ever before.
In America, fear is a business model like no other; scare them first, get them to buy product to suppress fear. Only for momentary satisfaction, of course, because they need the consumer to continuously come back. We are all consumers of fear, whether it is in what we drive, to our security system in our homes, to where we choose to spend our time and money, down to education, because we all fear what life is like without knowledge right? Do not let the occurrences of some sick individuals in society ruin how you live your life and go about seeking happiness. At any given time, anything can happen, so why not let life happen and put a halt to fear consuming you.

Monday, July 30, 2012

I've Seen It, Still Not Afraid of Clowns.

Last summer I wasn't afraid of The "Rapture"...it is now 2012, and they're saying that the world is suppose to end. I am not and was not afraid of either of these occurrences, so why would I ever fear another human being, especially one from the area in which I'm from. I grew up off Minnesota Avenue in DC until I was about 8 or 9, then I moved to Silver Spring in a funny little neighborhood called Great Hope. People in this area take Silver Spring lightly because it's apart of Montgomery County, but this specific neighborhood, wasn't tough at all, but it had enough edge and personality to shape what is most of my personality today. I never had any huge fights or been in any real trouble, probably because of all of the bad examples of what happened to the youth in the area who engaged in such activity, but I never feared anybody from around my way or even Mayfair, which is still, and was then a lot tougher. Today, I am 22 years young, and I am seeing the same shit with a different perspective and an entirely different attitude. I was on the Metro Rail the other day, when I saw these three young dudes get on the train. They were loud, obnoxious, rude, and of course they were immature. Never mind the fact that they were probably those kind of dudes who would label themselves a "original" in their Twitter Bio's or claim a hood in which they are not from at all. One thing I will say I absolutely despise about some of the youth in the DMV is the way the clothes are worn, and how EVERYBODY who thinks they're fashion savvy all look the exact same. It's like a fucking militia of trolls on the bus or trains some days on my rides back home from work. I saw a lot of the tourist and evening commuters begin to clutch tightly onto their book bags or purses, with the mindset that one of these NIGGAS were about to do something really stupid and rob them or make a huge scene out of nothing, but they only continued to make go-go beats on their chests and play fights while yelling out random bursts of broken DMV slang. i think I heard the phrase "AYE MOE!" About 45 times in a matter of five minutes from these dudes. While I'm looking at the passengers on the train and these fools disrupting my ride, I begin to think to myself, "why in the fuck are people afraid of them?" I certainly knew I wasn't. It's not even the fact of the matter that I'm use to seeing shit like this on a daily basis, or the fact that I probably outweigh all of those skinny lil fuckers by 20-30 pounds at least, but I digress. Writing this now, I think I finally have an answer, I am simply not afraid of anyone, especially these young ratchet niggas who feel that it is their civic duty to annoy people for the sake of having a good time, nuh uh, that ain't me. The actions, the fashion, the side-show that comes along with all of the fuckery involved. I have seen plenty of shit that i should have feared or should have been smart to avoid, but I refuse to be afraid of any of these clowns in this area. I can't even tell who's real or fake in this area anymore as far as proving who's tough. In the DMV, the burn outs and unks are more threatening than any of these "thugs" around here.
After Great Hope, my family and I moved to Prince George's County after spending a very tough summer in DC with my grandmother, and then we made our way to a place that I would have a fearful and curious respect for, Largo High School. It was Largo High School that taught me that none of the people or most of the people in the PG area who claim to be "hard" or tough really aren't about that life to begin with. A lot of the people in Largo claiming that they were from a hood were really some music video inspired suburban thugs who had both parents, a big house, along with a two-car garage and a dog named Cornelius. I must admit that I was culture-shocked when I first got there. The day my mom and I pulled up into this school, I thought I was going to prison! The main entrance had no windows! The classrooms had no windows!Then, I got a better glance at the building, and there were windows in the classrooms after all, they were just incredibly small, so still, NO WINDOWS! We walked into the school and the first thing I see besides the stuffed lion, which is probably still there and overly decayed and old, was a girl cursing out an adult who I later found out was an administrator. I could not believe my eyes. Montgomery County had either spoiled me, or I was just not prepared to even imagine such a place. The lobby smelled like Pine-Sol and pee, and there was not a sign of school spirit around. We went into the guidance counselor's office and got my schedule and my first day date, luckily hurricane Isabel was around the corner so I got an extra week to sit at our new house and sit on my ass. A week after the storm, it was time for school...oh joy, oh bliss. My first day, I saw one fight, and that was in the locker room, and it was about some dumb-ass neighborhood beef between Forestville and Largo, rival towns, but suburban nonetheless. I had experienced minimal neighborhood beef in Silver Spring, since the only time there was a "neighborhood beef" in my middle school or around my way was if two people from different neighborhoods ended up not liking each other based on an incident or something like that, no one ever fought or disliked a person based on where they lived or came from; we understood that school was the place for much foolishness, but never for something as ignorant as violence over nothing.
Over the next three and a half years, I would witness many fights, people getting jumped; I even got into scuffles myself. Some dumb fucking punk tried to rob me when I capitalized on selling CD's in school, I use to make a killing to, so I see where the hate came from, but he damn sure knew not to fuck with me anymore. I didn't care how big or tough this dude looked, I knew I was going to walk away fine and with every dollar I had earned. He wasn't getting shit from me, or breaking me down for that matter. From DC, to Montgomery County, to PG County in Largo, I learned many lessons about what should be feared, what should be laughed at, and where lines should be drawn. I'm not an advocate for violence, but if someone threatens you or could possibly bring danger to you, you have the right to stand your ground (no Zimmerman) and kick their ass. Leave those knives and guns at home and in the kitchen. Deliver and ass-whooping, or take one, because the whole killing each other to settle petty differences trend needs to end ASAP! But I digress, after my years in PG County schools, living in the area, and getting out often seeing what the city beholds I have learned that these barks are only as loud of the weed and the bites from these mutts. I fear no man, especially not in this area, the DMV. People here spend too much time putting on a fake ass facade instead of actually dedicating their time and energy to something that matters and can sustain them throughout life. I have seen It all, and I know for sure that I am not afraid of the clowns here.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Middle Fingers to Society

Dear Society, I hate you. Not as far as having to live in the many realms in which you exist, but the people that occupy you that I, too have to live with. Hypocrites, bigots, racists, irresponsible assholes reside in worlds of their own and claim that they are only acting on what you have been known to do. This past week, a movie theater was shot up (I hate to sound insensitive about the matter, no matter if it was one life or a hundred lives, someone ran into a movie theater and shot it up.), and Penn State went through hell for something that a very sick, disgusting, and pathetic individual chose to do. Both cases are very sad in how they have affected the families of the victims, but I found it relatively peculiar how in each case our SOCIETY chose to make it about the race, occupation, and location of the shooter in Colorado.
Or how about ESPN and it's very "credible" and "unbiased' analysts decided to make the children of molestation and rape seem irrelevant once the university had been punished? It was sad to see how society had more sympathy for Joe Paterno's statue coming down, even though he was probably more than knowledgeable of the actions against those children or was a participant himself alongside assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.Where are your morals? Where is your decency? Where has the logic behind a good heart gone in this damned place we call "society"? Does anyone have any sense left to understand the issue at hand instead of the politics behind it? Or is society so hung up on the whole "what's in it for me?" mentality still?
When Obamacare got upheld in court a few weeks ago, I think I was at my wicks end with this entire damn country and people altogether. I understand the political aspect of it all, but I will never understand why people were so against, or are against a bill that provides some sort of help for people who do not have. It's all greed I tell ya, keep the wealthy can remain rich and healthy, while the poor and middle class remain sick and unhealthy so they can die off quicker so the world can be controlled and maintained by rich folks...I suppose. I think a huge part of Obamacare getting so much dislike is the simple fact that our President, Barack Obama is a black man who exudes nothing but confidence and enthusiasm in his policies. I am not a %100 percent supporter of this man, but he has done many things in his first term that has served society with the greater good. Think about it, how often to you hear society refer to him as President Obama? Instead they call him Barack, they call him Obama, never Mr. President, or more appropriate, President Obama. But, society did just fine with Bush in office, would have done better with McCain? And, I’m sure we'll do light years better with the Klansman himself, Mitt Romney, as our president? This man doesn't even want to reveal his own taxes and other information, what makes you think he won't conceal anything more drastic than that once in office? Sure our economy sucks; it's always sucked, given how much money we had to spend on per day on an unofficial war that some idiot with his daddy's money decided to start out of pure fear and stereotypes. Obama isn’t perfect, but neither are the ones before him, but I digress. Society I have grown to hate the level of mediocrity so many people are okay with attaining and labeling it as something they've wanted their whole lives. I hate how many kids are still having kids. I hate how young ladies have the mouth foul bodies and mouths and think that that shit is cute. I hate how young men still have to be told to remove their hats, articulate, speak with respect, pull up their pants, and have to constantly be reminded to take care of responsibility. I hate how the media twists words and our weak-minded society is gullible enough to base every word out of their mouths on something they either saw or heard on TV, but still gossip and hearsay is stigmatized? Since when are overly expensive shoes and clothes worth getting shot over? What happened to unity? What happened to people doing for themselves? What happened to community? I lived two doors down from an arms-dealer and serial killer, and had no clue until I saw the guy on Dateline ABC and my house was in one of the frames as my neighbor of whom I had never heard articulate was being interviewed. Know your neighbors folks, it is a very simplistic idea, but has the greatest results and is terribly beneficial in regards to you and your families safety, trust me. Why is it okay for people to be married and remarried, now, at least two to three times before they find the ONE? What ever happened to the institution of marriage? That's the original form of unity that society has abandoned and left for dead. We live in the child support/paper parent era. Baby mothers and baby fathers? What about husband and wives? Mothers and fathers? Are their any of those around who actually wait till marriage, not to have sex because that shipped sailed with the Titanic and you see how far that got, but until they are ready and responsible enough to conceive and raise a child or children? I hate to seem older than I am, but I miss back in the day when people actually saw being pregnancy as a beautiful time in a couple's lives. Now, all pregnancy is, at least what I have observed, is a burden and cause for insecurity, hell, and a free ticket to The Maury Show. I'm not even going to ask what happened to entertainment. I don't know if I'm watching American Idol rejects, hicks on reality TV, or high thoughts brought to life by movie moguls who are bored with their millions. It’s obvious to see that people don't even bother reading anymore, look at how shitty, basic, and non-creative motion pictures have gotten. Books open up the imagination to create new things, conforming and settling for tasteless and simple "art" has closed society's imagination and ability to create new things. That's probably why people can't let go of prior decades. NEWS FLASH! The 80's and 90's are over! I can appreciate the culture of those time periods, but people need to seriously get over the past and get with the present and try to create something our generation can say was OUR THING and that nobody ever did that before we did it. Instead, we pride ourselves on the achievements of celebrities on social sites, the high STD rate, the fact that the older we get our country's intellectual side plummets, and of course we all pride ourselves on how many people give a damn what we think, say, or do right? I miss when society was something that people were against instead of so quick to join. I guess society beat the person out of you and turned you into a machine and completely took away the ability to create, feel, think, and do for self. I'm still and will always be against the ways that society has set aside for us to follow. Until society can ask themselves the questions I asked above and answer them through its actions and through change, I have both my middle fingers up to the sky and whichever way society is facing. Fuck You, Sincerely, Those who have not conformed.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Chivalry Ain't Dead!

A guy does her wrong in a relationship, chivalry is dead. Rappers calling females bitches on the radio, chivalry is dead. Some women want to be treated like princesses, but carry themselves like hoes, yet somehow, chivalry is dead because no self-respecting man would ever put up with such a woman, or so you would assume. I will be the first to admit that I can totally understand and see why women would use the all too familiar and cliche phrase "chivalry is dead", but I am also intrigued by this phrase to instead argue that chivalry IS NOT DEAD, but on the contrary, society has given up in the standards department. It's far too easy and lazy for anyone to write off an entire race, gender, religion, or place just because they've had a bad experience, or heard of a bad experience from someone they know. In today's society, I will admit, times are not like they use to be. Men in public places usually don't even think twice to offer their seat up to a woman, let alone, a woman standing their child or children looking absolutely tired and drained from a hard days work and motherhood. Men do still hold doors open, at their discretion, or if the woman is attractive enough to have the door held for. As a male, I will admit I have sometimes fallen victim to this; not so much deciding whether I'll hold the door open or not, but how quickly I will get myself to that door and hold it for someone I think is pretty or attractive enough to receive such prompt and expeditious civil service. The whole throwing a coat or jacket over a puddle sentiment is dead and over for, and you can pretty much forget about men standing up when a woman enters the room as symbols of courtesy and respect. Even though all of these long-forgotten ways of chivalrous men have pretty much fled society, many men, including myself, still practice and live the lifestyle of a chivalrous man, and for the women out there who have given up on men because they truly believe in their hearts that "chivalry is dead" I suggest you stop being lazy, shallow, and childish and open your eyes up and broaden your horizons in regards to the men you choose to pursue. The one thing I've noticed my generation doing a lot more than others is "settling" and putting up with things that they know are no good for them, but they continue to cling onto something that in no way, shape, or form benefits them.
And this is based on the area in which I'm living, but I see a lot of girls settling with guys who appear one way, but live and act a whole different way. In the DMV, I do not know where the fuck the cycle started and where the bullshit ends, but I see a lot of gorgeous and beautiful girls "put up" with these dudes who either look like very very feminine women, or look the part of a rapper who never made it. Most of these couples are young, dumb, and full of shit, but that is no reason for the treatment that a lot of these young girls endure. i have a little sister and it scares me shitless everyday thinking how she too could be blinded by appearance and fall for the wrong dude and then "settle" with that mans bullshit. I can't hound her and make sure whoever she dates meets my standards and has my approval, but let's face it, I can only show what my standards are through my actions in how I treat the women in my family, the women I choose to date, and how I speak and treat women overall. Where I'm from, we call that leading by example...and that's part of the problem. A lot of the girls in my area say that chivalry is dead because they've never seen it practice properly by their big brothers or by their fathers, if they're even present in their lives for that matter. I see all day and everyday online, dudes want respect for being chivalrous but can't even display the ultimate form of the word by taking care of their own child or children. I don't want to go too far off the deep end, but this is where it all starts, the household. There are just not enough positive, structured, and chivalrous males in the household or community anymore for the young people to see as an example on how to treat a woman right. Our generation must be under the impression that what they hear in these whack radio songs or see on these watered-down television shows is how to actually talk to and treat people. I do think that a lot of women are hard on guys for not "fitting their type", when they don't even know what the hell their type is in the first place. The problem is, when people do see or meet someone who possesses all of the necessary and genuine qualities of someone worth investing time in, they flee as fast as they can back to what was all too familiar and all too bad bad for them in the first place, and that's where the cycle completes. Though chivalry isn't what it once was when our grandparents were courting each other, does not mean that chivalry does not exist in society as a whole. There are plenty of courteous, decent, focused, and respectable men out there who are waiting and dying on the right woman to give them a fair shot based off their actions...and looks as well; we live in a shallow society after all, but that's a whole different topic of discussion. The simple traits of decency that we seek in a significant other are very possible if we can learn to get ourselves out of our routines that only hinder us from growing within.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Remembering Amy: Where Were You A Year Ago Today?

Last year, one of the most shocking and unexpected moments in pop culture came when Amy Winehouse died at the age of 27. Amy had a voice that was truly like no other, with a story that most could relate to; just not to the extent of what she was really dealing with that troubled her so deeply. Amy's voice was made of power, beauty, and originality and no one could scat quite like her in this day and age. She was surely a breath of fresh air not only to listeners, but to many other popular singers and performers of today's music. I must admit, though I was super spaced off of the brownies I had eaten the night before, the news that the artist I had supported, cherished, and recommended to many friends had passed was too great of a burden and pain to bear. I will admit, I did cry the night of Amy's passing while I was at a bar and 'Rehab' along with a few other hits from Amy came on the radio in the bar. It might have been alcohol that pushed the tears through, because I was already hurting all day from her loss and could not find the proper words nor actions to display my sadness. Amy was the catalyst for what myself and many others were feeling during the times of darkness and loneliness whether it be from a relationship or just the troubles of life itself; I understood every word and it hurt so much to have someone you could relate to so much just up and leave out of nowhere and according to the autopsy(s), nobody truly knows why.
In the short time you were here, you gave life to a style of music that the world had long forgotten, and you spoke on the reality of the pains of bad relationships to a level that was far more personal than anyone could have ever imagined. In three albums, you were able to capture an audience made up of ages and backgrounds of all sorts and you have inspired a generation to tell the truth about everything, even the hardships they endure in life. Amy Jade Mermaid rest in paradise, we miss you.

Message from the Editor: New Content Same Home.

So for the past few months, I have been yapping on and on about a blog I could create for local and unsigned/non-acknowledged talent from around the DMV area, but worldwide as well. For years people have been describing me as a person who literally "knows everybody everywhere!" and I think now it is time to put these resources to use. I have been doing slew of interviews with talent of all sorts, from acting to music, to writers, to producers in film and video, to photographers, to managers, to promoters. Pretty much, anyone who has any kind of contribution to any art form is welcome to be showcased on this blog. I have been thinking for weeks on end what I should name this blog and what theme it should have, I was at a standstill until just a few moments ago when I realized that I could use this blog, YES THE ONE YOU'RE READING NOW!, to facilitate and showcase all of this great talent that most of the world is clueless to. The ultimate goal of this blog would be to get some of these talented people a bit more spotlight and a place where their work can be shown to a variety of readers who enjoy reading this blog. I will continue to story-tell and vent on social issues, but I believe I have said all that I can in the two short years I have been writing this blog. Now, it is time for a change of venue onto something I have been passionate about since I have had the ability to write in a creative sense about something that I hold very near and dear to my heart and my life, the arts. I can not begin to explain how enthused I am about being a driving factor in gaining a person new listeners or viewers for their art. This blog will be about the artist and their contributors more than anything. If anyone would like to help me in starting up this process, or have any cool angles from which this whole process can be viewed, do not hesitate to hit me up and share your point of view.


New music from the homey ceeMAJOR (@CeeMajorMusick) & C Notes "Trippin'" Get your summertime music fix and jam to it right here!

Where Did the Priorities Go?

Today, the Penn State Lions were slapped hard by penalties and sanctions against their football program over the next 4 years. Their scholarships will significantly decrease, Penn State will not be allowed to play in bowl games over the next few years, and all wins from 1998-2011 will be vacated, decreasing the wins from 409 wins to 298 wins; the school will also be fined $60 million for their acts of negligence during Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky's acts of pedophilia and molestation against young kids and members of the football club itself. What is more shocking than this more than appropriate punishment, is the way the public has reacted. Keep in mind, that for more than a DECADE a perverted man, Sandusky, was touching little boys and everyone who was apart of the Penn State football program knew of what was going on, including head coach Joe Paterno, who is no longer the most winning coach in NCAA Football history after his wins vacated wins. But in the issue of children, the victims, and their families...which is what this is all about, the general public has once again decided to divert it's attention away from the issue at hand, and focus on the school being "penalized too hard". Given, I think that the players who have to suffer the consequence of their coaches and officials negligence is unfortunate and unfair, but the penalty as a whole is perfect. The NCAA made it a point to show that no issue in football, or football itself should ever be placed higher than the well-being of it's players and children who were/are affiliated with NCAA athletics. Taking away scholarships, bowl games, and records fits the punishment accordingly, contrary to the beliefs of the general public, the victims will not be able to erase what treacherous, disgusting acts happened to them, but at least justice was served in the sentencing of Sandusky and the penalization of the football program for years to come.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

My Faith is Never Fully Intact.

Ever since I was about seven, I have always been skeptical on the matters of God and Jesus Christ. I would like to start by saying I do not follow or cling to any religion or religious groups, I am my own religion. I'm a vessel of rights and wrongs, good and bad, understanding and confusion, my own truths and my philosophy's. I am my own religion. Here we are...it's 2012! I hope I live past my 23rd birthday, even though I have dreamt that I don't make it past that age and in honesty I would not be mad at that. Looking at how my generation admires and respect dead youth, I wouldn't mind that kind of glory. I do believe that, even though, I realize the full potential of their life may not have been fulfilled at least they can rest in peace and endure lifetimes worth of praise and nostalgic memories my friends would leave behind. But I digress, I have been doing a lot to try and make myself not so skeptical when it comes to the Higher-ups, but my faith is easily broke, and I guess that would be an attribute to my unwillingness to commit without having some sort of commitment returned. I know Jesus was publicly murdered for our sins, but like the Bible, I don't believe most of that story. Where I am in my life right now, I am in a constant battle between myself and my faith. I believe that there is a God, I don't know if I believe in Jesus. Half of my family members would hate to see this post, but they know I don't even know The Lord's Prayer after years of family members sending many pictures, scriptures, pamphlets, and videos of what religion and faith in Christ could do for me. I would like to interject by saying that I am not bashing religion or knocking anybody who believes in something that could create a better them, that would be out of line and contradict everything I personally believe in. This whole post may even be the result of my demons talking, which everyone has, I don't care how holy or righteous you are; we all have demons, just not all are exercised. I feel like my world has been painted black by these demons and see whatever little faith I have slowly fading away in the midst of everything happening with me right now. I'm far from happy, my confidence is at an all time low because I don't know what's gonna happen next; I'm oblivious to the world around me, and I'm starting to distance myself from a lot of people I thought mattered, but the time away from them has made me realize that I DON'T need them...for shit. I'm apparently 5 people's "best friend"...and right here, right now, I am nobody's best friend but my own. I don't want that insignificant title buzzing around my name anymore because people always expect the fucking world from you when you haven't even arrived at your own shore.So fuck the best friend title...the labels I'm looking for in life are college graduate, a success, husband, and father. Anything other than those 4 titles, I don't want. Hopefully this funk I'm in will soon end, but who knows, it has been a very rough July, let alone the past three years. I have to make something happen with my life that is bigger than anything I could have ever imagine. Luckily, I'm back to writing more often and that should lead to somewhere. At least I'm exercising my creative side and not just these unwanted demons.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

These Are the Breaks, Where is Mine At?

Last week, those demons in the financial aid office hit me with the reality that I may not be able to return to school for the Fall, even after scoring a dream job at school which would take care of room and board, plus food. I felt all of the energy, enthusiasm, and charisma I had fall flat on the ground as I was brought to tears this morning by the reality that I won't be able to go back to school due to finance troubles. I didn't think I would ever see myself literally crying and falling to pieces over something like school. I had prepared myself mentally for what came this morning at the beginning of the summer, but it stings even worse once that reality you envisioned comes to life; and I thought that I was just going around the corner for coffee and a muffin. But back to the tears, I think I cried because this was the first time in a long time that I have been told that I cannot do something, it was also the first time something of this magnitude has been taken away from me in the blink of an eye. This morning I realized how for granted some may take education. I've seen the results of many people, (most of which are "friends" according to Facebook), they either fuck up on their journey back to school, get pregnant, get someone pregnant, and in some cases a lot have died. The tears I shed this morning did not last long after having already mentally preparing myself for the worst. No I have to find a way to make it back to Towson for Spring semester and put in more work than I have ever imagined myself doing at this point in my life. But maybe this is an awakening for me, maybe this will help me take life a bit more seriously so I can really get on the path to what I've been seeking. I'll tell you what. I don't care if I grow to become a poor man or a rich man, when I do have kids way down the line, they will have college savings accounts so they will never have to worry about taking out student loans with ridiculous interest rates or have to deal with the demons in the financial aid office who get pleasure out of making students lives a living fucking hell. The tears have been shed and life goes on, where from here? Only forward I hope, another setback would kill me and I'm not down for dying just yet. Amidst all of this morning time bullshit, still I rise, the tears have left a glossy, I-see-a-bright-future kinda polish in my eyes.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Getting Over & Getting Back

The hardest part of any breakup is not the worrying thought of whop they are with, what they are doing, or what’s on their mind in regard to you; the hardest part of breaking up is getting back together. But what happens when that same thing you’ve yearned for is what you no longer desire because of how much change and growth has occurred since the split? You may miss little things about a person; you may even miss some major things about them that you think no one else on this earth has, but you can’t turn back because you’ve made it too far; far away from what you once felt for them, and far from the person you once were. Backtracking and falling back into those same old habits, with the same old person, going through the same old drama, with a new installation of hope is what you have worked so hard for; you deserve the world on a silver platter, you deserve your sanity, you deserve honesty, you deserve a relationship that you can enjoy and be willing to fight for, you deserve peace of mind because you owe it to yourself. We’ve all been hurt before, we’ve all had a person make us feel lesser than what we know we’re worth, we’ve all been broken…but here we stand, ready. Ready to get out and face whatever happiness lies in your way, whatever smile may brighten up your day, whatever pain you may endure, whatever success is attained just make sure all of this is experienced on a new leaf. There are 7 billion people on this planet (God knows how many in the universe) and there is no reason you should fall victim to systematic heartache and pain by that ONE person who will never do you any justice when there is one in the world waiting to give you just that, the world. The hardest part of breaking up is getting back together…with who you once were. Don’t let them slip away.