Wednesday, June 30, 2010

June Gloom. (Inspired By Ginger)

I fuggin love social networking sites! But what I love more about social networking sites are the people that I come in contact with and what they inspire. I was texting my friend Amirah (I love her name! ahh!)aka Ginger about 2 weeks ago and we were talking about how the day was "gloomy"...and BANG! Just like that I wrote a lil poem to talk about the conditions of June. Peep Ginger on Twitter @Addicted2Ginger amazing person to know!

The humidity can't feel thicker than the pain in the air.
Bring me down like a little girls curls in hair.
We all waited, anticipated, but it's arrived and we hate it. (Or so we think)
Romance is overrated and played with.
Can't hop on the public transit without hearing ignorance.
Metro raising prices again, they're robbing us blind while the heat melts our minds.
No map posted in the train can help us locate or find.
Yellow grass, green water, grey skies.
Job applications walk in with hope, get shot down, and die.
Out here failure is the norm more than a valiant try.
Even in my dreams I hear siren sounds.
The heat justifies the killing season that's around.
Windows down, music loud, riding proud, and I'm pulled over for no reason.
Let the summer live or die in June.
The 4th'll be here soon.
Cookouts by the water, sipping drinks, out by the lake under a blue moon.
Letter to August and July, June is gloom.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Addiction. Nope I Just Like Stuff...A Lot

Kirk Franklin loves porn. Amy Winehouse likes weed. I like codeine (thanks to my surgery) and Raspberri Absolut...ALOT! It all started after I had my surgery (my circumcision), my doctor prescribed me to be on codeine to ease the pain. I had never really been on anything stronger than Motrin 500ml before so I was very skeptic yet anxious to begin taking these pills. I have always been fascinated with how something so tiny can influence and alter your bodily functions. I had an addiction to Ambien pills. I'm not gonna name the source if where I get them from, but I will admit that I have lied to my doctor many times just to get my hands on a week or two's worth of pills. I started calling Ambien Amy-bien pills out of respect for my favorite female artist Amy Winehouse.(She's amazing, who can contest that?) How can something so tiny make me feel so amazing. Ambien is a tricky little fucker because it gets you insanely high, then it rocks you to sleep. Yes I still take it from time to time, mostly when I'm feeling low and need a pick me up. But Ambien was my first introduction to pills, so when I found out that there was something stronger being prescribed for me...I jumped at the opportunity. At first I took the recommended dosage (two pills every six hours). The first time I took em I got stuck and felt amazing...just sitting there watching cartoons laid back recovering while my mind zoned in and out of reality. Another six hours had passed and this time instead of taking 2 I took 3...and I felt even better than the first time. It did not help one bit that I was going through things in the romance department while I was in recovery; it gave me more reason to pop more pills. I actually got hung up on the other nght because the person found out that I was high on the shit. I had taken five that night simply because I was thinking of someone. I am what they call a hopeless romantic. Somebody still has my heart and I'm not ashamed to admit that. I'm also not ashamed of using to eliminate pain from my life. Being that I couldn't drink while I was on meds I used that as an excuse to take pills in place of drinking. Within a week I been a zombie in my own house. I slept all day, popped pills and wrote songs at night about lost love. I hated how I felt. About a week and a half after later I was right back to the alcohol. I love Raspberri Absolut, if I had to die with a bottle beside me please let me have that shit please! Raspberry has become one of my favorite flavors to drink over the past couple years, its like raspberry can do no wrong!(especially Raspberry Iced tea from Arizona) But when I get a bottle, it's MY BOTTLE! I actually prefer to drink alone. I don't have to worry about people mixing up cups, who's making my drink, or making a fool of myself unless I pick up my telephone. (I drunk call and text people all the time!)I once woke up with a girlfriend because I had confessed my feeling to them because I was so drunk, then when I found out what I did, I broke it off. I know I have alot of issues to deal with, I am the one who created most of them anyways. I have to learn what's real and what is impossible. It's not wrong for me to believe in the impossible is it? I mean a Black dude is our President right? But I have always had a problem accepting reality. That's probably why I didn't cry when my dad passed in 2002 (I'll blog about it in the future). But in the romance department, let's just say I fall fast and I fall hard...and it's super HARD for me to let go of anything whether it's good or bad for me. So imagine me with all these issues controlling myself with pills of codeine or ambien given the mood and alcohol in moderation. It creates a emotionally driven monster! I'm not addicted to pills or ambien or raspberri absolut or any other alcohol for that matter, because once they run out they're out...I've been out of codeine for almost a week and I don't have a craving for any more of it. Ambien, ehh it comes and goes. The alcohol however is so easy to grasp a hold of. But I don't sit up and make a drink just to, but some nights when thoughts of certain things come up and all I wanna do is sleep but I can't because I'm not calm, I make a drink to mellow out and sleep easy. After re-reading all of that shit I just typed and narrated I guess I do sound like an addict. I just gave an excuse for everything I did or do. Say what you want, the only person who can help me is me, and I know I'll get right one of these days.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Bee's & Roo's

I hate writing in blue ink! Okay now that I vented about my meaningless preference of pen colors, I can begin with another memoir. I literally remember it like yesterday; I was nervous as FUCK! I had never met anyone of my online friends in person, but on this day for some reason I stepped out of my own comfort zone and said “what the hell, why not?” It was October 22, 2007; it was a Tuesday (a day that would later be known as OUR DAY). It was the greatest day in my young life to that point. I remember her and I had set this meeting up about a week before it all took place. I had been worried for about two weeks because the last thing she had told me was that she was going to the hospital for depression. Mind you, I had not heard a word from her in two weeks! She had a scholarship to a very prestigious all-girl boarding school (Yum.) up North. It turns out that a few of her classmates or dorm mates or whatever you want to call em were being total beotches toward her over something that had occurred. This obviously drove her into frenzy and drove her into a great depression. When she told me that her classmates were treating her so horribly, I was a bit hurt to think that someone so nice could be treated so terribly. But hey, that’s high school for you! I was a freshman at Prince George’s Community College in my first few weeks. The bond between her and I grew very strong over a matter of months and all we were doing was texting, IM’ing, or that strange thing known as actually TALKING ON THE PHONE with each other ALL THE TIME!!! I had made it a point to talk to this amazing girl whenever I possibly could; I was at peace whenever I heard her voice or saw a message from her. Her name, well for no let’s just call her “Mona Lisa” It seems I have once again digressed from the story, or did I? After being hospitalized, she left the North and returned home to D.C. to continue her treatment. I guess the doctors or her family felt that she would be better off and taken better care of at home. What beats a little TLC ehh? Of course I had no clue that she was even in the area until after she was released from the hospital. When she called me I looked at my phone as if it were a fuckin’ joke. The phone call was being made from her house phone, so of course I was skeptical and worried at the same time. I thought that it was her mom calling to tell me some bad news or something. I’m sitting on the other line like “OMG she died! Oh no!” Then I snapped out of it when I heard the most angelic voice say in a very timid tone, “Kangaroo…?” Let me give you a little background on the reason she called me “Kangaroo”. When her and I first began talking, I use to tell her stories before she went to bed to ease her mind, and one of the stories I told her were ‘Kangaroo & Bumblebee’ which is about a Kangaroo and a Bumblebee that go on a mission, and on the mission they fall in love. Call it corny if u want MY STORY FUCKING ROCKED! So one day when I was walking home from getting my haircut I said something very deep to her in regard to how much I liked her, and it turns out that I must have poured it on pretty thick. I poured it on so thick that she responded in the most random way possible and said “I’m a bumblebee! Bzzzzzz!!!” I just laughed and kept on with our text conversation. Later on that night after I told another story, I guess I was on Ambien or something and the topic of nicknames came up. The first thing that came to my mind for her was “Bumblebee” and it stuck! She said that I was to be her “Kangaroo” and there you have it. Back to the story, or back to the conversation…whichever you fuckin prefer. I responded “Bumblebee...Where the hell have you been?!” Make no mistake, I was thrilled to hear from her but pissed because it had been two weeks since I last heard from her. Oh well, I got over my anger and shock in an instant and replaced it with happiness and excitement. She told me EVERYTHING about what had happened with the girls in her school, why she had to come home, and how long she was going to be home. I really didn’t catch the part about her being home until like 10 minutes after the fact that I realized she said “I’m home.” I became a fool filled with excitement when she said that we def have to see each other before she goes back up North. I almost jumped from the floor, threw my PS2 controller, and did a dancing fools jig! But I kept my cool and started suggesting days we should meet up with great enthusiasm, and BOOM! Tuesday was the day we had chose to meet up. On Tuesdays, I had an English class at 8am, but it was my only class of the day. After class I went home, took a shower, put on sum real clothes, and hit the metro. The place we chose to meet was her house, which wasn’t the best of places to meet, but given her situation it was best that she stayed home and I was cool with that. Getting to Mona Lisa’s house was a bit tricky because Mona Lisa stayed on the much tougher side of town and I did not want to get lost on the bus over on her side. So I took the train and got off at the station closer to her house, and did something I never thought I would do unless I was in New York City; I flagged down a cab. Even though it took damn near a half hour to flag down a cab I finally got one! I finally realize what rappers mean when they make references about cab drivers; it is a total beotch to get one of the drivers to pull over! I took the cab to her house nervous as hell to meet someone that I met offline. I sat in the backseat of the cab and sweated bullets while I was IM’ing Mona Lisa on my Sidekick 3…told you we talked ALL THE TIME and yes I had a Sidekick 3…I loved that fucking phone! Even though I was meeting her at her house it was a somewhat safe environment for both of use because her grandma was home with her. Now based on the way Mona Lisa previously described her grandmother I could tell she ain’t take any shit from nobody, especially in regards to her granddaughter. The close the cab got to her house the harder I sweat, then I made the phone call that would change my life; the call where I asked her to come out and meet me. This may sound cliché, but when I saw her standing outside with that smile the world stopped. Those braces and those big beautiful eyes brought a feeling to me that I never knew could exist. I fell in love. I walked up the stairs to her porch, gave her a modest hug and a kiss on the cheek. She smelled like heaven, looked amazing (in a t-shirt and sweats), and had the softest hair I had ever felt! We sat on her porch; she was doing a little homework outside before I got there. It was obvious that both of us were nervous. I saw her Spanish book underneath all her papers and took it upon myself to TRY and recite some sentences. She had already prior known that I sucked at speaking Spanish. I brought shame to the language. It made her smile and that was the only thing that mattered. She had a beautiful smile. For some reason, I had the oddest craving for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Mona Lisa said I could have one if I swept her porch. I felt so comfortable sitting there next to her that I didn’t want to move at all. Her grandma scared the living shit out of me when she popped through the storm-door and with a cigarette in her mouth that bounced as she talked. I quickly moved away from Mona Lisa as if I were guilty or something, but I guess that’s a natural reaction when you’re somewhere you’re not familiar with. Her grandma stepped outside for a bit and Mona Lisa introduced us. Then her grandma told her that her mom was on the way home. That was def my cue to leave given that she wasn’t suppose to have any company over. I hung out for about twenty more minutes then we began to walk to the bus stop. Before we began walking I snapped a quick picture of her on my phone. Also took a picture of the Bumblebee and Kangaroo we drew together. She hated the picture that I took of her though. She told me to delete it, but I kept it just because. We got about halfway to the bus stop and say goodbye…I hate saying goodbye to beautiful people. I hug her and then as we part we look at each other and **cues the choir** WE KISS! Talk about a sweet pair of lips! Wow! I didn’t say anything afterwards; I just turned around and went the rest of the way to the bus stop. I got on the bus cheesing harder than a crack head who just found a McDonald’s coupon! I remember updating my status as soon as I got on bus and updated my FaceBook status saying “I kissed a Bumblebee and it tasted like honey!” This was the start of something beautiful. I believe that every single human being has a date in their life that they can recall where their emotions run wild with happiness. October 22, 2007 was that day for me. I was introduced to love.