Addiction. Nope I Just Like Stuff...A Lot

Kirk Franklin loves porn. Amy Winehouse likes weed. I like codeine (thanks to my surgery) and Raspberri Absolut...ALOT! It all started after I had my surgery (my circumcision), my doctor prescribed me to be on codeine to ease the pain. I had never really been on anything stronger than Motrin 500ml before so I was very skeptic yet anxious to begin taking these pills. I have always been fascinated with how something so tiny can influence and alter your bodily functions. I had an addiction to Ambien pills. I'm not gonna name the source if where I get them from, but I will admit that I have lied to my doctor many times just to get my hands on a week or two's worth of pills. I started calling Ambien Amy-bien pills out of respect for my favorite female artist Amy Winehouse.(She's amazing, who can contest that?) How can something so tiny make me feel so amazing. Ambien is a tricky little fucker because it gets you insanely high, then it rocks you to sleep. Yes I still take it from time to time, mostly when I'm feeling low and need a pick me up. But Ambien was my first introduction to pills, so when I found out that there was something stronger being prescribed for me...I jumped at the opportunity. At first I took the recommended dosage (two pills every six hours). The first time I took em I got stuck and felt amazing...just sitting there watching cartoons laid back recovering while my mind zoned in and out of reality. Another six hours had passed and this time instead of taking 2 I took 3...and I felt even better than the first time. It did not help one bit that I was going through things in the romance department while I was in recovery; it gave me more reason to pop more pills. I actually got hung up on the other nght because the person found out that I was high on the shit. I had taken five that night simply because I was thinking of someone. I am what they call a hopeless romantic. Somebody still has my heart and I'm not ashamed to admit that. I'm also not ashamed of using to eliminate pain from my life. Being that I couldn't drink while I was on meds I used that as an excuse to take pills in place of drinking. Within a week I been a zombie in my own house. I slept all day, popped pills and wrote songs at night about lost love. I hated how I felt. About a week and a half after later I was right back to the alcohol. I love Raspberri Absolut, if I had to die with a bottle beside me please let me have that shit please! Raspberry has become one of my favorite flavors to drink over the past couple years, its like raspberry can do no wrong!(especially Raspberry Iced tea from Arizona) But when I get a bottle, it's MY BOTTLE! I actually prefer to drink alone. I don't have to worry about people mixing up cups, who's making my drink, or making a fool of myself unless I pick up my telephone. (I drunk call and text people all the time!)I once woke up with a girlfriend because I had confessed my feeling to them because I was so drunk, then when I found out what I did, I broke it off. I know I have alot of issues to deal with, I am the one who created most of them anyways. I have to learn what's real and what is impossible. It's not wrong for me to believe in the impossible is it? I mean a Black dude is our President right? But I have always had a problem accepting reality. That's probably why I didn't cry when my dad passed in 2002 (I'll blog about it in the future). But in the romance department, let's just say I fall fast and I fall hard...and it's super HARD for me to let go of anything whether it's good or bad for me. So imagine me with all these issues controlling myself with pills of codeine or ambien given the mood and alcohol in moderation. It creates a monster...an emotionally driven monster! I'm not addicted to pills or ambien or raspberri absolut or any other alcohol for that matter, because once they run out they're out...I've been out of codeine for almost a week and I don't have a craving for any more of it. Ambien, ehh it comes and goes. The alcohol however is so easy to grasp a hold of. But I don't sit up and make a drink just to, but some nights when thoughts of certain things come up and all I wanna do is sleep but I can't because I'm not calm, I make a drink to mellow out and sleep easy. After re-reading all of that shit I just typed and narrated I guess I do sound like an addict. I just gave an excuse for everything I did or do. Say what you want, the only person who can help me is me, and I know I'll get right one of these days.