Saturday, April 10, 2010
I can't lie, this whole BREAK has been the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with in any relationship. It's especially tough because it's basically made me cut contact with someone I care about and love very much. I can def see the positive stuff coming out of all of this, but at the same time I want the break to be over. In previous blogs , I have written songs and poems about Her, and eventhough my heart hurts it still feels so good to be able to want and appreciate someone like her. SHE IS AMAZING, SHE IS LOVE. I feel like a jackass for assuming that she is taking this break time to test her waters and see what else is out there besides me. But when you have been drinking as much as I have lately, it's pretty hard to have good judgement; even in regards for someone you trust and believe in so much. I sent her a text this morning when I woke up at 7am! My damn brother and his friend had a track meet to go to and I had to play cabby! The text bascially said how she is always the first and last thing on my mind. Then after all that I finally say "Good morning Love." I capitalize Love because that is what I call her. I don't know how long this break is or will continue to last, but like I told her "I'm here for the long run." We are two very deserving people who deserve each other. My friends beg to differ...they just hate how I have been handling the situation...they're justified. And I cannot lie, I have been quite pissed off with how I am at times being blatantly ignored or "carried". I am terrible with "Breaks" because in previous relationships I have always associated the word with "break-up" or "go mess around and come back to me unhappy still". That's the last thing I want... And how the hell can we make a future if we keep resorting back to previous shitty relationships. I ain't him, and you're definitely not her. I just want us to be happy again, like we were at the candle light dinner I made for her weeks ago. That's another thing that is kickin my ass! I have not seen her in weeks and everytime I try and make a date...I get brushed off. I am still trying to figure her out. I know I let her down majorly, but damn is this really what I get in return. I care about this girl to a degree that I have never cared about anyone before. In her world, she has heard this cliche ass statement many times; the difference is I can honestly say I mean it. Let's just review my record...NO INFIDELITY! NO LYING! NO CALLING ANYONE OUT OF THEIR NAME! Oh yeah did I mention I care! Like I really care! But I guess she's had that happen too many times so all it takes is one fuck up for me and I get looked at in a different light. Sucks huh? Notice how I don't have any negativity towards her? I must really be in love because eventhrough all this, teh sun still shines out the crack of her ass...yes I took this line from 'Juno'...it was too good for me not to use. I will grant her wishes and give her "space". I hope this doesn't backfire...I actually trust her. No, like really TRUST HER. In the meantime I will continue writing songs and stuff about her because it's therapy for me. Music is my healer. And I will def leave the liqour alone when feeling lonely and instead call up a friend or take my ass to sleep. I will also hope and pray that she gets better in these dark times she's facing...I couldn't imagine the pressure. If I could take it from her and throw it away I would. I want to make her another candle light dinner, I want to be the flame that makes it melt. I want to be hers.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Right now I am currently sitting in my back yard as the sun is setting behind all the trees and houses in my neighborhood as my dog barks away with my old shoe in her mouth. I just returned from a totally unplanned trip to my girlfriends house to drop her of some roses "Just because it's Thursday." I know I am a pretty cheesy person, yet very romanctic. I don't know why. I really want her to be happy in her dark time...it's kind of crazy how I feel that she is TOO PRETTY and AMAZING to feel how she feels. But at the end of the long miserable day (which sucks without her) I get it. It's always nice to want to do things for nice people. She deserves it especially. I went on a walk downtown yesterday with little money, a camera, a head full of scary thoughts, and my music. The day was one of those days where it was too beautiful outside to NOT go outside. The atmosphere was sharing a little piece of heaven, so I felt it was only right to go out and absorb this gift delivered via Nature. I took the train and got off at the Eastern Market station, ordered some Starbucks (a hot chocolate in 70-degree weather. Crazy right?),and walked briefly with a friend I had planned to meet up with earlier that day. We walked, we talked, we discussed what was going on in eachother's lives, and we discussed my upcoming surgery in May. That conversation was quite hilarious actually to discuss, but it was good conversation nonetheless. My friend had to depart and I continued with my walk. The city of Washington, D.C. is a beautiful city. From across the Anacostia Bridge to the deepest corner downtown there is something intoxicating about the city, especially on a day as amazing as Wednesday.I walked from Eastern Market all the way to Chinatown. Most people find me absolutely insane for taking a walks this long...but it is so much better than taking the Metro system and paying to see old and molded concrete walls in the darkness. And since I'm on the subject of taking long walks, which sounds like it would be in a horrible eHarmony profile, walking is very very healthy. In this day and age people (ahmm...my friends) could learn to get off their asses and go for a healthy stroll somewhere rather than just driving all the damn time or when worst comes to worst DO NOTHING AT ALL. I digress. I bumped into my aunt while I was walking down Penn. Ave...she was waiting on her charter bus. Those damn buses go EVERYWHERE! I saw buses that take people to Calvert County (which is about an hour away from where I live) and some went to Waldorf. It's pretty amazing knowing that our government actually do give their employees transportation assistance. I know that would be a very expensive and stressful commute. I actually waited for the bus with my aunt for a while as she showed me off to her co-workers. I really appreciate what my aunt has done for me lately. She got me a job working at the Library of Congress this summer, and for a good job I am always grateful. All of the buses that came her way were either full or not the right one, so I left. I had "California Dreamin" from The Mamas and the Papas playing in my iPod, that song is one of my favorites! It just gets me in this real trippy kind of mood and I just start to sing and groove in ways that only a song like can do. I can close my eyes and visualize all good things in my head. I love music that gets me high. I can't help it, I just do. I walked about 8 miles total to reach my final destination of Dupont Circle, which is probably the most pro-gay area in the city, but it's also one of the nicest places to visit downtown. The people down there are unified and very easy-going. The streets are filled and the actual park is a circle where people come to escape the hustle and bustle of there jobs to talk and listen to musicians play whatever instruments they have. Luckily, there were two guys playing there guitars...idk it had a Latin feel to it...absolutely amazing! I took my headphones off, listened to the music and sounds of the city, and watched the sunset right behind the tall buildings are center piece statue of the park. The sweetest part of this experience is that only I could feel what I was feeling at the time. I was IN MY ZONE. It was the first time I didn't have any worries about my relationship issues, money, or where what direction my life was headed. I was at peace, and I appreciated it. I couldn't get this kind of peace in my own neighborhood, by sitting out back writing songs, by getting drunk, or getting high...nope. A day like Wednesday made me feel that EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY eventually. I have to remain patient and have faith in myself before I do anything.