Thursday, July 19, 2012

My Faith is Never Fully Intact.

Ever since I was about seven, I have always been skeptical on the matters of God and Jesus Christ. I would like to start by saying I do not follow or cling to any religion or religious groups, I am my own religion. I'm a vessel of rights and wrongs, good and bad, understanding and confusion, my own truths and my philosophy's. I am my own religion. Here we's 2012! I hope I live past my 23rd birthday, even though I have dreamt that I don't make it past that age and in honesty I would not be mad at that. Looking at how my generation admires and respect dead youth, I wouldn't mind that kind of glory. I do believe that, even though, I realize the full potential of their life may not have been fulfilled at least they can rest in peace and endure lifetimes worth of praise and nostalgic memories my friends would leave behind. But I digress, I have been doing a lot to try and make myself not so skeptical when it comes to the Higher-ups, but my faith is easily broke, and I guess that would be an attribute to my unwillingness to commit without having some sort of commitment returned. I know Jesus was publicly murdered for our sins, but like the Bible, I don't believe most of that story. Where I am in my life right now, I am in a constant battle between myself and my faith. I believe that there is a God, I don't know if I believe in Jesus. Half of my family members would hate to see this post, but they know I don't even know The Lord's Prayer after years of family members sending many pictures, scriptures, pamphlets, and videos of what religion and faith in Christ could do for me. I would like to interject by saying that I am not bashing religion or knocking anybody who believes in something that could create a better them, that would be out of line and contradict everything I personally believe in. This whole post may even be the result of my demons talking, which everyone has, I don't care how holy or righteous you are; we all have demons, just not all are exercised. I feel like my world has been painted black by these demons and see whatever little faith I have slowly fading away in the midst of everything happening with me right now. I'm far from happy, my confidence is at an all time low because I don't know what's gonna happen next; I'm oblivious to the world around me, and I'm starting to distance myself from a lot of people I thought mattered, but the time away from them has made me realize that I DON'T need them...for shit. I'm apparently 5 people's "best friend"...and right here, right now, I am nobody's best friend but my own. I don't want that insignificant title buzzing around my name anymore because people always expect the fucking world from you when you haven't even arrived at your own shore.So fuck the best friend title...the labels I'm looking for in life are college graduate, a success, husband, and father. Anything other than those 4 titles, I don't want. Hopefully this funk I'm in will soon end, but who knows, it has been a very rough July, let alone the past three years. I have to make something happen with my life that is bigger than anything I could have ever imagine. Luckily, I'm back to writing more often and that should lead to somewhere. At least I'm exercising my creative side and not just these unwanted demons.

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