In the past year, not too much has been happening with this blog, and I was not too pleased with my writer’s block. I couldn’t churn out any stories or talk about anything happening in society, the media, in my life because during those long months of writer’s block I essentially did not care. I was in a very dark place in my life because of a few things, and then I realized that writing, aside from other things is therapy for me. I may not create the same vibe that I was able to create once before, but you gotta start somewhere, and mine is right here, back to the blog and more stories to tell!
We never which direction we will go in life. Choosing a path has never been more difficult to choose than while in college nearing graduation. In the years you spend in college, a lot of things happen, not only to you, but to your social circle as well. As times change, people change and it can become very confusing and frustrating when you reach that critical point in your life where you have to cutback on how often you socialize and party, or who you social and party with in general. About two months or so ago, I had a nervous breakdown right in the middle of the floor in my dorm. My roommate wasn’t there to see me at my worst; I was literally a mess from head to toe. Ironically, this happened after one of the most fun weekends of my life thus far, the weekend of stoner’s 4/20.
I woke up that morning very frustrated and rushed. I was up on was up on time, but still I felt as if I had only gotten a few minutes of sleep to make it through what was definitely going to be a very busy Monday. It was gray outside, all I remember hearing was tiny drops of rain hitting the plants that were outside of my window. Waking up in this fashion was already a buzz kill for the day, but it got a million times worse when I looked at my phone and saw that I had twenty-something unread and new texts, and about 50 emails sitting in my inbox waiting to affect my day. I went through each email and text message, and saw that they ALL were demanding me of something…but wouldn’t you like to know…not one of them read anything along the lines of “Good Morning Foster” or a simple “Hey, Foster how are you?” They all began with a demand that had a more than unreasonable time frame to get taken care of. So me, not yet even having brushed my teeth or showered, sat in my room staring at my phone and computer screen trying to figure out how I was possibly going to meet these demands, or some at least.
These demands had come from people whom I had foolishly given my contact info to whenever they may need to be updated on the goings-on of what was happening on campus after hours. I know all sorts of people: party and club promoters, DJ’s, bartenders, etc. You name them, and more times than not I know them, or I will soon get to know them. I don’t know why but I always, always, ALWAYS tend to look out for people to have a good time no matter where they are. But to have such a selfless wish fulfilled, one may bring great injury to self. This I found out in no time. A majority of the text messages and emails that were eagerly sitting in my inboxes were from people around campus or that I had drunkenly met at a recent event during the 4/20 weekend, and all they really cared about was when and where the next big event or social gathering was going to be.
In the midst of trying to figure out how I can get these people what they need to know, I saw that I only had 10 minutes before my next class, and checking my planner…I found out that I had a homework assignment due on top of all this morning madness. I began to sweat, shake, and then I felt my head begin to feel light. The next thing I know, I’m in the middle of my dorm room floor, shaking, sweating, and crying. For a minute, I blacked out, and when I came to, I decided that it was time for me to leave Towson before I literally drove myself crazy. I got my homework for the week done for all of my classes, and sent each professor an email letting them know about my current condition. I packed my bags, packed my car, and left campus without saying a word to anybody, not even my roommate or my family back home.
As soon as I got home, my mother looked at me and knew immediately what was wrong and the first words out of her mouth were, “you need a break.” I had bags under my eyes, I might have been a little pale, but that’s hard to determine with skin so dark, but I digress. I went up to my room, and just laid down for a bit. The first thing I did, was turn off all sorts of communication. I didn’t check my phone unless absolutely necessary, I didn’t bother to tweet for a few days, and Facebook became foreign.
I came to the conclusion, after a few days, that my biggest problem (aside from my terrible anxiety) was that I feel the need to be constantly tuned in or to cater to peoples needs, even if they aren’t a priority. I hate sleep because I feel as if I’m missing out on the world, which is something I’m still working on. And I hate having to stop or take a break…from anything. It’s a damn shame that it took a breakdown to appreciate what rest and relaxation is all about. For the entire week I was home, I had not a worry in the world, and Towson was a place I had momentarily forgot about. I missed two huge events that week too due to my breakdown. The first event was one I had long planned for and set myself up to go see, which was Tigerfest. (Which I have still yet to experience in my two years at Towson) Tigerfest is our annual spring celebration that features a lot of drinking and partying and usually a very dope concert. This year’s headliner was one of my favorite artists, Kid Cudi, who I had seen in the summer already, but I was too excited he was coming to our school! I also missed my friend’s show for a radio music festival, but luckily and thoughtful enough he and my friends showed me much love and support as they shouted me out before their set; at least I could stream the show online which was really cool.
But towards the end of all this madness and bittersweet fulfillment I came to figure out that maybe those who only need me for their usage aren’t really needed by me, so I went through my phone and deleted a fuck ton of people from, old and new people. If you weren’t in any way, shape, or form contributing to my well-being but taking everything you could from it and from myself then I don’t need you around, even in the form of a thought. Not even on a rude note saying “fuck those people” or anything close to that, but I refuse for my sanity and mental well-being to be compromised for someone get what they want from me or my resources.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Back to Myself
In the past year, not too much has been happening with this blog, and I was not too pleased with my writer’s block. I couldn’t churn out any stories or talk about anything happening in society, the media, in my life because during those long months of writer’s block I essentially did not care. I was in a very dark place in my life because of a few things, and then I realized that writing, aside from other things is therapy for me. I may not create the same vibe that I was able to create once before, but you gotta start somewhere, and mine is right here, back to the blog and more stories to tell!
We never which direction we will go in life. Choosing a path has never been more difficult to choose than while in college nearing graduation. In the years you spend in college, a lot of things happen, not only to you, but to your social circle as well. As times change, people change and it can become very confusing and frustrating when you reach that critical point in your life where you have to cutback on how often you socialize and party, or who you social and party with in general. About two months or so ago, I had a nervous breakdown right in the middle of the floor in my dorm. My roommate wasn’t there to see me at my worst; I was literally a mess from head to toe. Ironically, this happened after one of the most fun weekends of my life thus far, the weekend of stoner’s 4/20.
I woke up that morning very frustrated and rushed. I was up on was up on time, but still I felt as if I had only gotten a few minutes of sleep to make it through what was definitely going to be a very busy Monday. It was gray outside, all I remember hearing was tiny drops of rain hitting the plants that were outside of my window. Waking up in this fashion was already a buzz kill for the day, but it got a million times worse when I looked at my phone and saw that I had twenty-something unread and new texts, and about 50 emails sitting in my inbox waiting to affect my day. I went through each email and text message, and saw that they ALL were demanding me of something…but wouldn’t you like to know…not one of them read anything along the lines of “Good Morning Foster” or a simple “Hey, Foster how are you?” They all began with a demand that had a more than unreasonable time frame to get taken care of. So me, not yet even having brushed my teeth or showered, sat in my room staring at my phone and computer screen trying to figure out how I was possibly going to meet these demands, or some at least.
These demands had come from people whom I had foolishly given my contact info to whenever they may need to be updated on the goings-on of what was happening on campus after hours. I know all sorts of people: party and club promoters, DJ’s, bartenders, etc. You name them, and more times than not I know them, or I will soon get to know them. I don’t know why but I always, always, ALWAYS tend to look out for people to have a good time no matter where they are. But to have such a selfless wish fulfilled, one may bring great injury to self. This I found out in no time. A majority of the text messages and emails that were eagerly sitting in my inboxes were from people around campus or that I had drunkenly met at a recent event during the 4/20 weekend, and all they really cared about was when and where the next big event or social gathering was going to be.
In the midst of trying to figure out how I can get these people what they need to know, I saw that I only had 10 minutes before my next class, and checking my planner…I found out that I had a homework assignment due on top of all this morning madness. I began to sweat, shake, and then I felt my head begin to feel light. The next thing I know, I’m in the middle of my dorm room floor, shaking, sweating, and crying. For a minute, I blacked out, and when I came to, I decided that it was time for me to leave Towson before I literally drove myself crazy. I got my homework for the week done for all of my classes, and sent each professor an email letting them know about my current condition. I packed my bags, packed my car, and left campus without saying a word to anybody, not even my roommate or my family back home.
As soon as I got home, my mother looked at me and knew immediately what was wrong and the first words out of her mouth were, “you need a break.” I had bags under my eyes, I might have been a little pale, but that’s hard to determine with skin so dark, but I digress. I went up to my room, and just laid down for a bit. The first thing I did, was turn off all sorts of communication. I didn’t check my phone unless absolutely necessary, I didn’t bother to tweet for a few days, and Facebook became foreign.
I came to the conclusion, after a few days, that my biggest problem (aside from my terrible anxiety) was that I feel the need to be constantly tuned in or to cater to peoples needs, even if they aren’t a priority. I hate sleep because I feel as if I’m missing out on the world, which is something I’m still working on. And I hate having to stop or take a break…from anything. It’s a damn shame that it took a breakdown to appreciate what rest and relaxation is all about. For the entire week I was home, I had not a worry in the world, and Towson was a place I had momentarily forgot about. I missed two huge events that week too due to my breakdown. The first event was one I had long planned for and set myself up to go see, which was Tigerfest. (Which I have still yet to experience in my two years at Towson) Tigerfest is our annual spring celebration that features a lot of drinking and partying and usually a very dope concert. This year’s headliner was one of my favorite artists, Kid Cudi, who I had seen in the summer already, but I was too excited he was coming to our school! I also missed my friend’s show for a radio music festival, but luckily and thoughtful enough he and my friends showed me much love and support as they shouted me out before their set; at least I could stream the show online which was really cool.
But towards the end of all this madness and bittersweet fulfillment I came to figure out that maybe those who only need me for their usage aren’t really needed by me, so I went through my phone and deleted a fuck ton of people from, old and new people. If you weren’t in any way, shape, or form contributing to my well-being but taking everything you could from it and from myself then I don’t need you around, even in the form of a thought. Not even on a rude note saying “fuck those people” or anything close to that, but I refuse for my sanity and mental well-being to be compromised for someone get what they want from me or my resources.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment