Throw It Up, Catch a Ghost

Ever since I was little, when my auntie and grandma use to drag me to church, I have been fascinated with a certain action known as “catching the Holy Ghost”. I don’t know maybe it’s where this religious experience takes place, when it happens, what it looks like, or the amusing sounds that people create when it happens. Let me take you back to…oh let’s say 1995 when I was six years old sitting in my Aunt Nets hot-as-hell church with a fresh Nike short set and LA Gears on my feet somewhere in Portsmouth, VA. This may come off as a stereotype, but I am going to assume that a majority of churches in the South are hot as hell and loud. I mean that in the most spiritual way possible. I just realized I said “hell” in reference to church. Oh the irony!!! But it’s the truth. I have never seen more grease running down Black faces since the last time I saw Jermaine Jackson on my TV screen. I have also never seen more Martin Luther King Jr. fans with the skinny wooden handles in my short life! I remember vividly how the choir began to jam as if they were at a rock concert and the pastor was the Mozart…of the people in the pews of course. I took a little look around and noticed how everyone, even my older cousins were up and dancing. I noticed the jumping around and yelling praises to the ceiling, which I later found out was suppose to be God. Their feet were moving as if they were being burned by hot coals or something, but I knew their feet couldn’t have been in that much agony; even the old geezers were moving with outstanding rhythm. I looked around this holy dance floor to find my Aunt Net and Uncle Bobby, and when I found them they were doing the same damn thing as everyone else. I tapped on my auntie’s leg, but as expected that couldn’t get her out of this trance she was in. My uncle was just as bad; he almost fucking kicked me with his happy hallelujah feet! So after realizing that the only stable people left in the church were a few old people doing their old fashioned knee pat and rock side-to-side motion, the other kids who had lost their parents in this ruckus, and the pastor who was grinning incredibly hard. He was probably proud of all of the money people were dropping on the floor. His ushers probably would have picked up all the loose change if they weren’t out in the pews tap dancing for Jesus too. The way the women and men “caught the ghost’ was very similar but VERY different at the same time. The women made many more frightening sounds as opposed to the men. They made sounds that sounded as if they were having an orgasm, an orgasm that was followed by the common phrases of “praise Him!” and my favorite thing to hear accompanied by a Southern accent “Thank you Lawd Jesus!” (Which is actually pronounced ‘jay-zus’) If I had more knowledge of sex at the age of six, I probably would have thought “This Jesus must be the man in the bedroom! He’s got all these women going nuts…in front of their husbands!” Back to my aunt, who was having an experience like nothing I have ever seen. To this day I rank my aunts catching of the Ghost as one of the funniest and most frightening thing I have ever witnessed in a religious setting. She was in the middle of four other women who had somehow miraculously made a circle of arms around her to keep my auntie from falling over. I was actually worried being six years old, but go fucking figure I was a little kid. When I think of it now however, I am amused at this memory. Once the choir had come to the end of their song, everyone returned to their seats…well almost all of the people did at least. One random old lady who always sat at the front of the church had caught the Ghost so greatly, that she passed out on stage right next to the pastor. All the pastor did was look down at her, say “well this sister here is BLESSED! Gooood Lawd have mercy!” and continued with the service. I’m sitting in my seat eating some candy from my aunt’s purse worried and scared shitless because the poor old lady looked as if she was having a seizure. I think I was the only one who actually cared if that old woman was okay or not. Toward the end of the service I came to find out that this old lady was just fine. She jumped up, yelled “hallelujah!” paid her tithe, and sat back in her VIP front row seat. My mom always said she didn’t like going to church because of all the madness that takes place inside. She actually referred to the madness as racket. I don’t blame her one bit, even though I think she doesn’t go simply because she doesn’t wake up until 5pm anyway. I may seem a bit ignorant for this next statement but oh well, but I have reason to believe that a lot of people fake when they catch the Ghost. Now I haven’t been to church in…well let’s just say I haven’t been since the last time the Knicks made the playoffs. But I have reason to believe that many people FAKE the catching of the Ghost. I have seen too much bullshit! Please explain how a popular dance is always somehow orchestrated into catching the Ghost. These are a few dances I have seen tied in with catching the Ghost: C-Walk, Harlem Shake, raising the roof, Little Richard splits, tap dancing, and voguing…yes. I have seen people Vogue in the name of Jesus. I’m almost afraid to see what dances their doing now. Are they cranking dat super Jesus now? I know I have no place to even question or comment on people’s actions because I hear it’s between them and God anyway, but c’mon people Voguing??!! I will probably never be in the position to catch the Holy Ghost, and to be quite honest I’m cool with that. I probably will never step foot inside a church again, but as long as YouTube exists I will always have a way to view people actin a fool in the name of religion. Peace to Brother Franklin.