Monday, July 19, 2010

I Clearly Asked For...


I consider myself a pretty tolerable guy. I have put up with the God-awful love stories of both High School Musical (all three of them) and the Twilight movies, but I remember the time I finally reached my breaking point, and there was almost no coming back from that bullshit. Like you have had to have been kidding me! Our evening was going just fine before you decided to come over and interrupt my lovely evening with a beautiful young lady with your fucking question of rhetoric. Let me begin my story where it all started at. It was a Saturday night and I smelt better than a wad of money that had just bathed in Old Spice, well I technically did bathe in Red Zone that night, but I digress. I hopped on the Metro to go meet this beautiful young lady that I had not seen in years, so you can only imagine that I was uberly nervous. I like the word uberly, don't judge me dammit! I got to the station, I believe it was Downtown Silver Spring and we planned to go see a movie. Of course, like always, I was EARLY. I have a pet peeve with anyone being late for anything, it really bothers me; if you say you're going to be somewhere at 8:45pm don't show up at 9pm thinking "oh its just a few minutes..." No that's 15 fucking minutes of potentially good conversation we just missed out on! Or maybe we're late for the movie now! And so what if "we just missed the previews!" I love the previews! It's quite sad actually because nowadays the movie previews are better than the actual movie itself. Luckily for me, my date...or whatever you want to call her was on time. I don't really re-call who I was with that night, all I can remember is that she looked average, but when she smiled I got nervous. We hugged, I kissed her on the cheek, and we talked our asses off until we reached the theater. Yes the whole, KISS ON THE CHEEK thing sounds juvenile, but truth be told we were only in 10th grade and I hadn't seen her since 8th grade...so that was BIG DEAL to me back then. We go to the movie, which was pretty cool...I've seen so many movies since then I can honestly only remember a handful...a handful actually worth remembering for that matter. So during the movie, she suggested that we go and get something to eat after the movie at some foreign restaurant. Just a side note, when or if you ever have the opportunity to go see my amazing little hometown of Silver Spring, MD, and you are downtown be very cautious about where you decide to eat. There are tons of foreign and exotic food places to eat right off Colesville road, but not all of them are worth a damn thing! We go to this hole-in-the-wall looking fuckery of a restaurant, and being that this was a date and I had some kind of consideration I went into this place with optimism, but even more skepticism. The host was this incredibly fat Asian man who tried talking like Black dude...whatever that is...and the place smelled like fish. They did not specialize in the department of seafood, and even though I don't eat seafood, I was always taught that seafood is NEVER suppose to smell like fish. That goes the same for females. Excuse the crude humor, but it's the truth, nobody wants to go deep sea diving and get seaweed caught in their net. We go sit down and our waiter had the most jangly looking teeth I had ever seen in my life at that point. Braces?! No! this guy needed a fucking fence with a pit bull in the yard to go around his chompers! I almost felt uncomfortable ordering because I knew once he spoke I was going to burst out laughing. As soon as he asked my date for her food, I DIED! I played it off by making it seem like I was laughing at something else or another couple in the restaurant; so I was cool. The waiter looked at me with those LIONSTIGERS&BEARS set of teeth in his mouth and asked what would I like to drink, my response was simply...a ROOT BEER please. Ladies and gentlemen this is where my evening fell apart and I lost a huge piece of my mind. This fucker replied "No, but we have Dr. Pepper instead..." I did NOT ask for fucking Dr. Pepper! There is NOTHING similar bewteen Root beer and Dr. Pepper! If I wanted Dr. Pepper I would have asked for some damn Dr. Pepper! I do think you all understand how much it gets under my skin when somebody offers you something that is NOTHING like the other! That's like saying "No Foster, we don't have a dog, but you can feel free to buy a hamster." Like seriously?! I have nothing personal against Dr. Pepper, it's a great drink if you like soda and 23 unidentifiable flavors, but I was not in my Dr. Pepper drinking mood. I was feeling cool with a pretty girl, and I had just saw a somewhat cool movie. So what better way to end a good date than with a root beer? That's storybook enough for me, it doesn't take too much to make me happy. You should have seen the look on my dates face when I made the face I made when I was violated by this snaggle-tooth bastard who offered me a Goddamn Dr. Pepper in place of the Almighty beverage of a root beer! I looked as if somebody had tried to rape my mind. The waiter felt even worse because he saw the look on my face and he knew he had screwed up. So after a few LONG seconds of stares and tension, I became a big kid and ordered a lemonade instead and looked at my date with a look that said "can you believe this shit?!" It was quite hilarious actually, she kinda chewed me out for a bit about how I was possibly going to snap on our waiter and how she knew I was laughing at his teeth. I asked her how'd she know I was laughing at his teeth, she said because she was laughing on the inside too, but unlike me she had GREAT self control. If that were the case I would like for her explain all of her actions in the movies. The lemonade wasn't half bad by the way. But to this day, if anybody offers me a fuckin Dr. Pepper in place of a root beer I am liable to SNAP! Barq's, A&W, Mugg, or IBC...doesn't matter root beer is always good with me. It's my fucking favorite!

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