You Just Might Be.

I have been in my thoughts about a specific somebody for the past few weeks, and it is driving me absolutely mad. I hate to think that it took a nervous breakdown to realize how much I truly adore and enjoy them in my life, but it is what it is. The thought of them makes me smile, their presence makes me calm, and their laugh...well it's just one of the most adorable things I've ever heard. The only shitty thing about all of these feelings is that I feel it may be too late for me to say what I'm feeling. We had our time in the past, but there was never any initial closure, then you have that whole period where we weren't really talking and that is what is really making this whole ordeal unbearable. I don't know or care too much what her current situation is, I just want her to know how I genuinely and truly feel just so I can be at peace. The waking up with her on my mind, the dreams (and there have been some pretty loopy dreams about her), and the going to sleep with what I want to say is constantly on my mind and tormenting me in a sense. I don't recall what the feeling of loving or being in love with someone feels like anymore, it's been a while, that is why I am driving myself crazy. Have a strange feeling that when we met last December that I may have found exactly what I've been looking for in her, and it scares the living shit out of me thinking that she could be (as cliche as this may come off) the one that might get away; this idea does not sit well with me, my mind, or heart at all. Eventually I have to tell her, I juts hope it's not too late, and I damn sure hope that it is not too soon...too soon too say "I Love You". I've only told one person how I'm feeling, because they can read me like a fucking book and they know what the deal is in how I have been nonstop babbling on about this for weeks. I don't want to call her up or do some impersonal shit like send her a LONG ASS text message with something like this on my heart. I want her to see a man who has let go of all of his doubt, insecurity, and fear just to tell her how she truly feels. Then, I want to see her reaction, but once again that's not what I am concerned with, I'm doing this so I can sleep at night. And if me belting out these three words that have brought some of the strongest couples together or ran a person out of a relationship somehow brings US together, then I am all for it. We work well together. Don't get me wrong, I do speak to other females, but lately my point of focus has been HER and no one else. As crazy as that sounds coming from a college dude, it's the truth. I don't know what tomorrow has in store, let alone the next couple of hours, but pretty soon she will know and we'll have nowhere to hide when love rains the truth, I hope you feel it too.

Alone.

It's when people ask you "are you okay?" knowing damn well you aren't but you say "no" knowing that you just did that person a favor concealing the deep, dark, and violent truth which they will not ever be able to handle. The truth's about ourselves that we tell to someone who thinks highest of us is the ultimate fear. Nobody who cares about you or loves you wants to hear about the monster you've created in your mind of yourself. We all feel a bit down and depressed at time, depression is the common cold of our conscience, there's just no escaping that reality. I hate the world we live in, that's probably the first thing that really blew out my flame. Just knowing that no matter where I go outside of these boring DMV walls, there will be another place where the people are just as boring, just as basic, just as ignorant, and just as evil as the ones I am dealing with now. There is nothing wrong with being afraid, absolutely nothing. Just don't let your fear define who you are and who you become. I'm just tired of being afraid of myself, fuck everybody else, I really am my own worst enemy when it comes to facing anything. I'm always at war with myself. Am I good enough, can I do it, will my dreams come true, can I ever compare to this and that? Insecure much? Who isn't? I think it is the biggest load of bullshit when people say that they have no insecurities, everyone is insecure to an extent. I do not know where I'm going with this, or where I'm going at all to be honest, all I know is that I have no choice but to move forward with each second, each minute, each hour, and each day until something says otherwise. I'm just tired of everything at this point and I am having the hardest time trying to figure out what is and what isn't important to me right now...

My Letter to Amy.

I know it had been almost four years since your last studio album was released and since you debuted in the United States, but I can honestly say that I am going to miss everything you ever did musically. You were truly one of the few truly talented and brilliant singers/songwriters left of my time...in my opinion one of the best ever. I was thrilled when I found out that you were launching Lioness Records and your first artist signed to the label was Dionne Bromfield, your Goddaughter. I was even excited to know that you were headed back to rehab to finally get yourself clean so that you could make more music. Even though, at times I was very selfish at the fact that you were going back into rehab simply knowing that that meant we (the fans) were going to have to wait even longer to hear new music from you, but the music that you created on the Frank and Back to Black album are so awesome that they are enough to last a lifetime, and health is far more important than anything. I hate how the media treated you when you were alive, but I hated them even more when you passed. The media is full of two-faced cunts that's for sure, and it is that reason that I am so happy to be in school studying the media business so I can come in and hopefully put a dent in it and change how they go about talking about troubled celebrities and PEOPLE. That is just not the way to treat a human being. You were TROUBLED, what they NEVER understood about you while you were alive is the fact that you were in fact troubled and were suffering from a disease. People do not understand that alcoholism is in fact a disease and not just taking one too many shots at a party every few weeks, but it is a lifestyle...an unfortunate one, but nonetheless an addiction, I've had enough victims of alcoholism in my life to understand it myself. When you died all of these beautiful pictures that I had to break my neck and spend hours to find are now all of a sudden all over internet. They are showing a full-figured, healthy, and their idea of "beautiful" you, when before all they could show was an out of control and sick person, this is unfortunately how too many people defined you. Your music is now TIMELESS, you are now one of those GREAT artists, you are now WORTHY of public attention now that you're dead, oh the irony of the media. You were always beautiful, your music has always been timeless, and you did not need all of that media attention to show how big of a star you were. I am still in a huge state of disbelief that you are no longer here to give us more of you, but it is also good to know that you no longer have to be here to struggle with the harsh criticism of the media and your addiction and complete assholes in general. I just hope that people let your soul rest in peace and learn how to treat not only celebrities such as yourself better, but people in general. We live in a sick sad world and the last thing we need is for people to bring other people down while at the same time trying to keep afloat in society.

Rest in Peace Amy.

Pointing the Finger.

People fake a lot of things, their sexual experiences, the way they act when they have a little alcohol or weed in their system, how smart they are, and RELIGION. I can't pass judgement on who is real or who is REALLY faking it, but what I can speak on is how people do and say certain things AGAINST religion to appear rebellious or cool. I can say that I know plenty of people who fake their disbelief in order to fit in with a certain group of people or to draw attention. They blatantly say things against holy scriptures and religious figures with uneducated thoughts and total ignorance on the subject of religion all because they feel that religion or believing is dumb. I hate when people have no validation or proof to their beliefs and can only back it by saying "because that shit is dumb." Grow up! If you are not going to like something at least know why it is you don't like something. I personally do not believe in religion simply because of how I have seen it separate families, friends, and nations more than any dollar, infidel, or tragedy could. I am all about peace, happiness, and freedom amongst human beings and I believe that religion is just the opposite. You do not need to be a rocket scientist to know that there has been more blood shed and war over religion more anything else in this sick world we live in. I am not knocking anybody who is religious and is proud of their faith and a strong believer in it. It is ignorant to try and break someone down for believing in something that they believe will better them as a person. This is for the ones who flat out disrespect or bash anything thing simply because they want to stand out and feel accepted somewhere in society simply because according to them "that shit is done". Have knowledge of something before you declare that you don't like it.