Where Did the Priorities Go?

Today, the Penn State Lions were slapped hard by penalties and sanctions against their football program over the next 4 years. Their scholarships will significantly decrease, Penn State will not be allowed to play in bowl games over the next few years, and all wins from 1998-2011 will be vacated, decreasing the wins from 409 wins to 298 wins; the school will also be fined $60 million for their acts of negligence during Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky's acts of pedophilia and molestation against young kids and members of the football club itself. What is more shocking than this more than appropriate punishment, is the way the public has reacted. Keep in mind, that for more than a DECADE a perverted man, Sandusky, was touching little boys and everyone who was apart of the Penn State football program knew of what was going on, including head coach Joe Paterno, who is no longer the most winning coach in NCAA Football history after his wins vacated wins. But in the issue of children, the victims, and their families...which is what this is all about, the general public has once again decided to divert it's attention away from the issue at hand, and focus on the school being "penalized too hard". Given, I think that the players who have to suffer the consequence of their coaches and officials negligence is unfortunate and unfair, but the penalty as a whole is perfect. The NCAA made it a point to show that no issue in football, or football itself should ever be placed higher than the well-being of it's players and children who were/are affiliated with NCAA athletics. Taking away scholarships, bowl games, and records fits the punishment accordingly, contrary to the beliefs of the general public, the victims will not be able to erase what treacherous, disgusting acts happened to them, but at least justice was served in the sentencing of Sandusky and the penalization of the football program for years to come.

My Faith is Never Fully Intact.

Ever since I was about seven, I have always been skeptical on the matters of God and Jesus Christ. I would like to start by saying I do not follow or cling to any religion or religious groups, I am my own religion. I'm a vessel of rights and wrongs, good and bad, understanding and confusion, my own truths and my philosophy's. I am my own religion. Here we are...it's 2012! I hope I live past my 23rd birthday, even though I have dreamt that I don't make it past that age and in honesty I would not be mad at that. Looking at how my generation admires and respect dead youth, I wouldn't mind that kind of glory. I do believe that, even though, I realize the full potential of their life may not have been fulfilled at least they can rest in peace and endure lifetimes worth of praise and nostalgic memories my friends would leave behind. But I digress, I have been doing a lot to try and make myself not so skeptical when it comes to the Higher-ups, but my faith is easily broke, and I guess that would be an attribute to my unwillingness to commit without having some sort of commitment returned. I know Jesus was publicly murdered for our sins, but like the Bible, I don't believe most of that story. Where I am in my life right now, I am in a constant battle between myself and my faith. I believe that there is a God, I don't know if I believe in Jesus. Half of my family members would hate to see this post, but they know I don't even know The Lord's Prayer after years of family members sending many pictures, scriptures, pamphlets, and videos of what religion and faith in Christ could do for me. I would like to interject by saying that I am not bashing religion or knocking anybody who believes in something that could create a better them, that would be out of line and contradict everything I personally believe in. This whole post may even be the result of my demons talking, which everyone has, I don't care how holy or righteous you are; we all have demons, just not all are exercised. I feel like my world has been painted black by these demons and see whatever little faith I have slowly fading away in the midst of everything happening with me right now. I'm far from happy, my confidence is at an all time low because I don't know what's gonna happen next; I'm oblivious to the world around me, and I'm starting to distance myself from a lot of people I thought mattered, but the time away from them has made me realize that I DON'T need them...for shit. I'm apparently 5 people's "best friend"...and right here, right now, I am nobody's best friend but my own. I don't want that insignificant title buzzing around my name anymore because people always expect the fucking world from you when you haven't even arrived at your own shore.So fuck the best friend title...the labels I'm looking for in life are college graduate, a success, husband, and father. Anything other than those 4 titles, I don't want. Hopefully this funk I'm in will soon end, but who knows, it has been a very rough July, let alone the past three years. I have to make something happen with my life that is bigger than anything I could have ever imagine. Luckily, I'm back to writing more often and that should lead to somewhere. At least I'm exercising my creative side and not just these unwanted demons.

These Are the Breaks, Where is Mine At?

Last week, those demons in the financial aid office hit me with the reality that I may not be able to return to school for the Fall, even after scoring a dream job at school which would take care of room and board, plus food. I felt all of the energy, enthusiasm, and charisma I had fall flat on the ground as I was brought to tears this morning by the reality that I won't be able to go back to school due to finance troubles. I didn't think I would ever see myself literally crying and falling to pieces over something like school. I had prepared myself mentally for what came this morning at the beginning of the summer, but it stings even worse once that reality you envisioned comes to life; and I thought that I was just going around the corner for coffee and a muffin. But back to the tears, I think I cried because this was the first time in a long time that I have been told that I cannot do something, it was also the first time something of this magnitude has been taken away from me in the blink of an eye. This morning I realized how for granted some may take education. I've seen the results of many people, (most of which are "friends" according to Facebook), they either fuck up on their journey back to school, get pregnant, get someone pregnant, and in some cases a lot have died. The tears I shed this morning did not last long after having already mentally preparing myself for the worst. No I have to find a way to make it back to Towson for Spring semester and put in more work than I have ever imagined myself doing at this point in my life. But maybe this is an awakening for me, maybe this will help me take life a bit more seriously so I can really get on the path to what I've been seeking. I'll tell you what. I don't care if I grow to become a poor man or a rich man, when I do have kids way down the line, they will have college savings accounts so they will never have to worry about taking out student loans with ridiculous interest rates or have to deal with the demons in the financial aid office who get pleasure out of making students lives a living fucking hell. The tears have been shed and life goes on, where from here? Only forward I hope, another setback would kill me and I'm not down for dying just yet. Amidst all of this morning time bullshit, still I rise, the tears have left a glossy, I-see-a-bright-future kinda polish in my eyes.

Getting Over & Getting Back

The hardest part of any breakup is not the worrying thought of whop they are with, what they are doing, or what’s on their mind in regard to you; the hardest part of breaking up is getting back together. But what happens when that same thing you’ve yearned for is what you no longer desire because of how much change and growth has occurred since the split? You may miss little things about a person; you may even miss some major things about them that you think no one else on this earth has, but you can’t turn back because you’ve made it too far; far away from what you once felt for them, and far from the person you once were. Backtracking and falling back into those same old habits, with the same old person, going through the same old drama, with a new installation of hope is what you have worked so hard for; you deserve the world on a silver platter, you deserve your sanity, you deserve honesty, you deserve a relationship that you can enjoy and be willing to fight for, you deserve peace of mind because you owe it to yourself. We’ve all been hurt before, we’ve all had a person make us feel lesser than what we know we’re worth, we’ve all been broken…but here we stand, ready. Ready to get out and face whatever happiness lies in your way, whatever smile may brighten up your day, whatever pain you may endure, whatever success is attained just make sure all of this is experienced on a new leaf. There are 7 billion people on this planet (God knows how many in the universe) and there is no reason you should fall victim to systematic heartache and pain by that ONE person who will never do you any justice when there is one in the world waiting to give you just that, the world. The hardest part of breaking up is getting back together…with who you once were. Don’t let them slip away.